Today my little one is six.  Wow... she's growing up right in front of me.  Blink once, and the time is gone.   She's so much like me.  The girls in this house are very strong independent women.  We save the world every single day without wearing tacky spandex.  Being that strong has its downside, too.  Girls like us, we walk into a room, and if we aren't careful, we can steal all the attention and suck the air right out of the place.  I learned that in high school.  That talent is one of the many reasons other girls hated me.  We don't mean to... we try to be delicate and demure.  Bella  pretends she's a princess.  And if you don't believe her, she'll sock ya one....  ugh.  It's just who we are, and we make no apologies.

We have a party scheduled for 6pm, and then a family celebration filled with really bad for you foods and games to bring in the new year.  No fancy parties, no dressing up.  I'll be in my jammies.  So will everyone else.  (I did buy really cool hats and stuff, though.)  Someday Screw and I will make reservations to a ritzy celebration, but we didn't even want to this year.  That's hard to plan when there's a birthday today.  I'm excited about the fun we'll have tonight. 

I don't make New Year's resolutions.  That's just another way to disappoint myself.  Usually... But this year is different.  There are things I want to change.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of waking up to the same old routine.  I'm not REALLY a superhero.  I can no longer pretend to be.  I need to make more people responsible for their own happiness, their own responsibilities, and their own decisions.  I need to be more responsible for mine.

I'm tired of doctors pretending to have the intelligence of a gnat.  This is the year I heal myself.   My birthday was just over a week ago.  I'm only thirty-six!  There was a time when I felt good.  I remember it.  There was a time when I was healthy.  I used to run every morning of my life.  Don't get me wrong, I was NEVER fanatical about any of it.  The most I ever ran was four miles a morning.  And I hated EVERY freaking step.  There was no "feel good" anything being released in my body.  It didn't make me proud to know I was taking care of myself.  Whatever... I ran so that I'd be healthy enough to FEEL like running.

I have allowed them to scare me into submission.  Phrases like immune deficicencies, extreme anemic fatigue, low reds, high whites, low whites, high reds, no platlets, scar tissue.... what the hell is an inverted uterus, anyway?

Screw it.  If I want to come back to life, I'm going to have to be the one to make it happen.  This is the year.  I've never had more support, more prayers, more confidence... it's a do or die situation, maybe literally.  I'm choosing the DO.

My New Year's resolutions are easy... to be more ME... and to require everyone else to be more of who they really are.  I just don't think it will be all that difficult.

But for now I have to go get ready for the birthday party while trying to keep her from walking into my bedroom and seeing her gigantic unwrapped Barbie Princess Pontiac Solstice.  I'll tell you that story later. 

You know me... there's always a story.

I didn't get out of the mall trip yesterday.  How many people knew I wouldn't?  The crowds weren't as bad as I expected, but they were still horrible.  The day wasn't bad until heading home when the migraine from hell hit from out of nowhere.  Even highly medicated I can still feel it lurking just beyond the drug induced numbness.

Since yesterday was a total waste of time and energy I didn't have, that means I have a million and one things to do today.  That freaking tree is coming down.  I think.  Although it would be so much easier to stay here in bed happily drugged and watching "Law & Order" re-runs all day instead.  Before Screw left for work he ordered me back to bed.  He must love me.  Otherwise he'd have told me to get my ass up and clean this awful mess.

I'm not in the mood to be responsible.  I'd rather stay here snuggled underneath the blankets and spend the day reading, crocheting, and napping.  That's not going to happen.  At least not for a few hours.  Maybe later this evening.  But for now, while I can hold my eyes open without feeling excruciating pain, I think I should probably get something done so that I don't feel guilty when I'm vegging out later.

Suddenly I have the urge to actually get dressed and get something done... oh, and I'm craving chicken.

Everything... and I do mean everything nice I said about kids in yesterday's post, I take it all back.  Evil demanding little buggers should be locked away until adulthood.  I need a vacation from their vacation, and oh my god, there's another week of it left.

I lied in a previous post, too.  That stupid Christmas tree is still up.  It glares at me everytime I walk past it.  I think it's laughing at me. This is the first time it's ever stayed up this long.  I just don't have the energy to take it down.  I think I'll immediately feel better once I reclaim my house from the now dusty wilted decorations that are sprawled out everywhere.

Lately I'm bombarded with a million ideas for the house... improvements I want to make.  I should be writing them down.  Some of them are quite detailed and will cost a good deal of money.  Others are just a matter of finding the time and strength with minimal financing.  The place feels more like home with every passing day, but there are still marks that need to be made to make it mine.  I started out decorating and arranging to fit the house, but now it's time to make the house fit me.

I'm lucky that I have a husband willing to go along with me on it all.  He does have opinions about the house, which is rare in a man, but he allows me the final decision.  If it wasn't for the sweet little things like that, I'd have killed him by now.  He's a definite threat to my sanity, that's all I can say.  If the man didn't tell me how much he loves me, how beautiful he thinks I am, and give me hot monkey sex whenever I want it, I don't think I could keep from strangling him!  He is a man, after all.  You'd just have to know him to understand.  He has an intelligence that's intimidating, but at the same time, there are specific moments when you just wanta smack his forehead along with a "duh".  And I do... in my own loving little ways.

He does it with me, too.  When I have a duh moment, his way of scolding me is laughing with an, "Oh my god you're so beautiful, baby.".  And then squeezing the life outta me.  I choose to believe he's laughing WITH me.  It's my fantasy.  Be quiet.

It's taking me forever to finish this post because I'm sitting across from two teen girls trying to use reverse psychology to get myself out of a trip to the mall today.  I don't know if it's working, but I think it's working better on them than it will on the two teen boys upstairs.  I think they want to go just to hang out and flirt.  I just really don't feel like going that far and staying that long. 

I have a stupid Christmas tree to take down.

I'm sleeping until 7am these days.  That's pretty late for me, but the kids are all off on Winter break so I'm getting up to see the freak off to work.  That's when I start my day.  It's cute how he can no longer dress himself.

There are at least a million kids in my house right now.  Where do they come from?!  When are they going home?  They're staying up all night and sleeping all day.  It's kind of nice that way.  I still have my mornings to myself even though they're here.  I can take my time waking up and getting on the move.  I'm not even drinking coffee this morning.  It's hot chocolate.  And it's really good, too.

I almost always have a neice or nephew in my house... sometimes several of them.  The one that stays with me the most is a really gifted kid.  He's fourteen going on thirty.  He has this creative side of him that would just blow your mind.  But he's at that stage where he's struggling with being a kid and growing up.  He clashes with his parents a lot.  He never mouths off to me, and I never let him get away with any disrespect toward them when he acts up around me.  Life at home is really cramped for him, and staying here gets him away from it all.  He has an older brother that is a good person, too.  But he's stereotypical for this region.  He has no dreams, no aspirations... he's almost 18 and is still struggling to graduate.  Not because he's struggling mentally.  He doesn't care.  They're stuck in what most people would consider poverty, and they're becoming bitter and closed off.  My sister has worked since she was fifteen.  She does the best she can.  It was her husband that had the massive heart attack a few weeks ago.  I'm afraid I'll jinx it, but I'm going to say it anyway.  I think it scared the life INTO him.  All of a sudden, after eighteen years, he cares.  Imagine that.  It almost makes me hate him more. 

So now here are these two young men who have never had a positive male role model in their lives other than my father who seems old and out of touch with his uber conservative closed off attitude.  And because "Daddy" has suddenly grown up, they're expected to respect him and vote him "World's Best Dad" over night.  He isn't asking them to, but they're feeling the pressure.  It's a time bomb, and I'm thinking I'll be expected to pick up the pieces once again.... explosion after explosion.  Such is life.

The nephew hides here.  I know that's what he's doing, but what can I do?  Everybody needs a sanctuary.  I don't want to allow him to live in denial and continue to grow distant from his parents, and I'm afraid that I won't recognize it when it reaches that point.  I know that it hurts my sister's feelings that he practically lives here whenever he's out of school, but at the same time, I think she's almost relieved sometimes because for that time, there's no fighting among the boys.  They're cramped in one tiny bedroom, and they have NOTHING in common.  When he's here there's no tension.  And on school breaks, she has to leave them home alone while she's at work.  I think she lives in fear that they're going to kill each other when she can't be there to intervene.

There's a school friend that stays here a lot, as well.  She's fifteen, and I think she's one of the most emotionally abused kids I've ever met.  I'm not taking her word for it, either.  If you listen to the them, every fifteen year old girl on earth is abused in some way.  I hear her on the phone with her mother.  The woman should be taken out back and have some sense beaten into her.  I can't say anything.  I can't do anything about it.  It isn't abuse that would warrant having her removed from the house.  Although her mother's second husband did manage to have her little brother taken away from her mother and placed with him.  I don't know the story behind it.  I let her vent to me, but I don't comment, and I don't ask questions beyond ones that only let her know I'm concerned and will always listen.

Right now her mother is forcing her to come home today although the woman works really long hours and so does the new husband.  She volunteers to work because she doesn't want to be home playing mother.  But she wants her daughter to sit home alone all day and most of the night.  It's punishment because she broke up with her boyfriend.  The boyfriend that the mother thought was the daughter's soulmate.  Did you miss where I said she's FIFTEEN?  I had my concerns that maybe the mother likes the boyfriends better than the daughter, but I didn't say anything.  Then OUR daughter secretly tells me that her friend confided in her that she thinks her mom has previously had a relationship with a really young man.  No proof, only speculation.  So again... I feel like my hands are tied.

She constantly tells her daughter that she's fat.  If I could get permission to show you her photo without having her ask questions, I'd show you just how NOT fat she is.  She's beautiful.  And I'm not just saying that because I believe every young woman is beautiful.  I do feel that way, but she really is a very attractive young lady.  It's so sad.  And now she's starting to show the signs of the abuse... she has no confidence.  She's defensive... snappy... easily grows critical of others.

The nephew who "came out" has now decided he's not gay... even has a girlfriend.  Never mind that he seems to have forgotten previously telling us that this particular girl is a lesbian.  I don't even know anymore.  If he's being typical of himself, this was all an act to get more attention, which I haven't ruled out.  You'd just have to know him.  BUT... if it wasn't, then living in this denial while truly being gay is going to tear him apart.  Such a destructive lifestyle.  And he won't talk to me right now.... basically because I won't coddle him.  I just told him to put on his big boy panties and get over it... if he's gay, be gay.  Stop the drama.  I told his mother the same thing... she's still talking to me.  Geez... I hate drama.

This all makes my sweet little blended dysfunctional family seem like perfection.  My heart is heavy with concerns for us dealing with the issues of having one parent here and there who are poor influences and care nothing for their children.  It breaks my heart when I see the struggle and defeat in their eyes, but I know they're going to be ok because they now have two parents who love and cherish them with everything we have.  And we're dedicated to seeing them grow into wonderful responsible adults.  There are children in the world who don't have that.

Everyone feels sorry for the homeless hungry child.  The child who is beaten daily... abused in unthinkable ways.  I don't believe we, as a society, do enough to stop this, but I do believe we're trying.  There will always be more we can and should be doing.  I have ideas but they involve torture and unspeakable acts toward the people who hurt our children.

But my heart breaks for the others... the ones in the middle... the ones often over looked because they are being fed, and they don't have broken bones.  The ones getting lost in the shuffle... walking through this world invisible.  No one should be invisible... especially a child.

If you walked into my house right now you might not be able to tell that I have hardwood floors throughout the entire house.  And you most certainly couldn't tell me the colors of the area rugs spread out sparsely across those hardwood floors.  There isn't an inch of space in this house that isn't covered by wrapping paper, empty boxes and disgarded presents.  I promise that isn't much of an exaggeration.  The biggest problem with this is that I was up most of the night last night so I don't feel like doing anything about the mess.  I'll make a path at some point today.

Most people would think I'm a grinch because right now, today, December 26th... I'm ready to take down the tree.  I don't know if I'll get around to it today, but it will happen as soon as possible.  That's just how I am.  Probably one of the reasons I put it up so early.  When it's over, it's over for me.  I hate dragging things out. 

I feel overwhelmed because there is so much I need to get done today.  I actually forgot that everyone in the country is shopping and making returns today until I saw a segment about it on the news this morning.  I wasn't going to be one of them which is why it was so easy for me to forget about it.  It would take the deal of a lifetime to get me to go shopping today.  I can't think of one I have ever seen advertised that would get me out.  And I've never received a gift that couldn't wait a few days to be exchanged.  Come to think of it, I have never returned a Christmas gift.  Ever.  If you're out there shopping in the madness right now, call home to have a stiff drink waiting for you when you walk through your door later today. 

My mind is too boggled to sort out my thoughts.  I actually had something to blog about when I started, but I can't seem to get it from my brain to my fingers.  It feels like Monday.  I should have known better than to try to think today.  Maybe it'll come to me later.  We'll see.

Here it is, after midnight on Christmas morning.  I'm waiting for the last of the older kids to settle in for the night so Santa can make his appearance, and then I can stumble off to bed.  Screw gave up and is nestled underneath the covers snoring away the hours.

The weekend... the weekend was... strange.  While not perfect, it was far better than I imagined in the end.  There were a few rough spots when I thought I was going to lose it and show just what a smart ass I can be, but I didn't.  And in the end, I'm glad I didn't because of all the people who had me worried, the most important one actually seemed to have changed a bit for the better.  So I declare it a success.

I didn't get as much time with my mother-in-law as I would have liked, but she may be coming up for a short visit sometime over the next couple of weeks so we'll make up for it then.  Even now, sitting here reading that last statement, I can't really believe I typed it.  Did I mean I WANT time with my MOTHER-IN-LAW?!  Yep... I did. 

It was so sweet to watch T hang out with his brothers.  The five of them goofing off and being little boys again.  If you spend ten minutes with my husband, you'll either want to claw his eyes out or you'll have laughed so hard your sides will hurt.  An exact quote from one of my sisters is, "I can't imagine anyone not loving him."  And she's right.  But he has this witty sarcastic sense of humor that, if you aren't almost genius, it's hard to keep up with at times.  Now... knowing that, imagine five of him in the same house at the same time.

There are a million stories so far.  It's going to be impossible to pick a favorite.  Watching the brothers compete to see who is smarter than a fifth grader (while answering every single question that needed a male's name with... "Tom Brady"). B throwing up GALLONS of chocolate milk in the middle of dinner with everyone watching.  The Jewish girlfriend in more of a Christmas Spirit than most Christians I've seen lately...The fight between brother- in-law and wife that almost came to blows, giggling with my mother-in-law over that fight, or my father-in-law's calm declaration that, Chester, the dog, is a problem.... almost as big a problem as the daughter-in-law he belongs to...

Then a rush back here in the middle of the night so that we could spend today with my side of the family... when the alarm clock goes off so that you can get up at 5am to put a turkey in the oven after you've only been in bed four hours... Let's just say I mumbled words that should never be said this close to Christ's birthday.  Or any other day, for that matter.  But it was important to us to get all those visits out of the way so that we could spend tomorrow at home without interruptions and obligations.  We have accomplished that.  Amazingly enough, Christmas is turning out to feel like Christmas should feel after all.

The atmosphere at my parents' house was very relaxed for once.  Only a slight awkwardness around my nephew who has now decided he isn't gay.  I'll be honest right here and say I'm not sure which is the truth for him and right at this moment, I don't care.  He's a man now, and it's his life.  But over the past year my family has been through some really rough times, and they have humbled us and made us thankful for things we would never have even noticed before.

It's time for Santa now.  I'm exhausted, and I know I'll be up again in a few hours... long before my body is ready.  Children sleep lightly on Christmas Eve.  So after they're settled in front of the tree with all their toys and I'm settled into a slightly painful relaxation with coffee in hand I might be back to continue this holiday posting.  We'll see. 

If not, I hope your holiday season, whatever you celebrate, has been filled with peace, love, and understanding.  If it isn't, call me up, I KNOW I have at least one story that will bring a smile to your heart.  I'll share my smiles with anyone needing them, and I'm looking forward to reading all of yours!

Merry Christmas so far. :)

So the birthday passed quietly and pretty uneventful.  People actually remembered this year so I consider it a success.  Last night was horrible.  I was upset and sad and crying, but not over anything that anyone could make better, and then just as I was drifting off to sleep B wakes me up... and she's COVERED in vomit.  A relapse?  It took a while to calm her down.  She was absolutely hysterical.  I think it happened in her sleep.  How horribly scary for my tiny princess.  I finally got her showered and tucked in, but not before I was completely exhausted.  Here it is only a couple hours later, and I think Screw has now officially caught the virus.  That's only compounded by the unbelievably hectic weekend ahead of us.  There is so much stressed involved in the next 3 days without him having to go through it ill.

It's hard to explain, really.  We leave this evening for a holiday weekend with Screw's family.  I don't mean to make it sound like it's a fate worse than death, because really, it's a good couple steps above that.  The sad thing, it doesn't have to be that way.  Understand, I absolutely adore his parents.  They are these amazingly beautiful people.  Beautiful hearts, outstanding souls.  I couldn't have asked for better in-laws if I had hand-picked them myself. 

In the beginning, it was hard for them to see the two of us together because we started dating so soon after his divorce.  They were worried that he was moving too quickly.  You can't fault them for that.  He's their son.  I would have felt the same way.  But after they met me and saw us together, they welcomed me into their lives without condition.  I had prepared myself for a battle, but with them, there was none.  These two people are the exception to what you think of strong uptight Christian conservatives... really.  They do have those firm beliefs, but the actions and attitudes that so often give Christians and Republicans such bad reputations are just not present with these people.  They are the most understanding, easygoing people.  No judging or self-righteousness anywhere.  They live what they preach.  It gives you faith in your fellow man when you're around them for even a moment. 

And the rest of his family, his brothers... he has some cool brothers.  They're all so different and yet so similar in so many ways.  Having said that... without naming names, simply because I never know who is reading this, there are a couple of people I'll have to deal with this weekend that, well it makes me physically ill just to think about it.  I think I slept half an hour all night.  I think of these people and I'm automatically fifteen again and feeling inadequate with the horribly compulsive need to starve myself, study all night, practice all day, weigh every word and every action... it's unbelievable.  I start defending myself TO MYSELF before I'm EVER in front of them.  I catch me reminding myself, I'm educated, reasonably articulate, even cute!  I have a twenty thousand dollar smile.  They can't say that.  I'm a great mother!  My husband LOVES me... does theirs? 

I could go on, but it's pathetic.  It's pathetic because, before you ever start scolding me, I KNOW this is my fault.  I'm completely aware of the fact that I allow this to happen, and that no one has control over me unless I allow them that control.  Blah, blah, freaking blah...  It's completely different because it's HIS family.  You all know just the thought of my brother's wife makes me break out into a sweat.  I start cursing before I ever get into the same room as her.  But she knows I can't stand her, and I have no problem reminding her when she's on my nerves. 

But this is HIS family.  I let them walk over me everytime we're together because I refuse to be the reason for drama in the family.  Now, before I go on, just let me admit that no one has asked me to sacrifice my sanity in this situation.  T backs me one hundred percent and would probably enjoy watching me tear them to bits.  He would, more than likely, make popcorn for the show.  His parents, I don't think they'd say a single thing to me about it if I just blew up and let everyone know how I really feel.  And normally I would.  But this is a family situation, and it's fragile and I just can't be the one to bring it down.

Now... having said that, just let me reveal that I believe I've reached the boiling point with these morons, and considering how emotional I am right now, how tired I am... all bets are off.  I'm praying that I'm worked up over nothing.  That somehow, over the past year these people have grown up and will act like "big people" and the weekend will go fine.  But if not, I'm not sure I can hold my tongue anymore.  I'm always so torn because I love spending time with his mother.  We have so much in common and we get along so well.  Then, on the other hand, I have this nervous knot in the pit of my stomach that weighs about fifty pounds, and if I don't get a grip I'm going to explode before the weekend ever begins.

Honestly, the only reason I blogged this is because I was thinking maybe getting it off my chest would help.  It's not something I've discussed with anyone other than Screw.  Not even my sisters.  I thought bringing it here would help me open it up and then put it away.  Guess what... it didn't work.  This weekend is gonna go one of two ways.  I'll either come back with tons of really great stuff to blog about, or you'll get a play by play of how I made a grown man cry.  Or, if it's really bad, I just may not mention it at all.

I have my fingers crossed that I'm totally overreacting and this will end up being a great holiday.  Somehow today I'm going to get myself into the Christmas spirit.  I'll be spending the late morning/early afternoon with my sister doing some last minute shopping for the parental units.  Maybe that will help.

Either way, my weekend hits full speed ahead from this moment forward... and I WILL make wonderful memories for my family... even if I have to let him drug me into oblivion to get it done!

Little one drew a pretty funky flower and a lopsided heart.  The marker she used on the inside bled through to the front.  Her letters are still all over the page, but she's getting better.  The older one drew a smiley face with a very witty summation of my life thus far.  To read it all together like that,  you have to laugh or you'll cry.  Through the eyes of a child...

I don't know that I see life as a journey the way I used to... It's really hard for someone like me to enjoy the walk and not think about the destination. 

I obsess.  If you didn't know this about me, raise your hand.

Life is an event... beginning to end.... one big last minute carnival with great rides, awesome special appearances,  and cheap attractions.

I don't make new year's resolutions.  My reflecting always happens on this day.  Where did that trip around the sun take me?  Will I be where I intended when it comes around again?  Will it even make it around again? 

What can I do differently next year?  Absolutely nothing.  I am exactly the person I'm supposed to be.  I don't believe in fate or destiny... not completely, anyway.  I believe things are put in our paths, but it's our decision to pick them up or walk on by...I believe life is what we make it, and every new day is placed before us as a blank canvas.  You paint what you want. 

Sometimes I feel like my inability to draw even a stick man has hindered my masterpiece.  When I was in high school, before we had programs to make beautiful things right on our computers, I used to make my own stationery.  I couldn't even draw a balloon.  I would trace a quarter to get them round. 

In reality, I know that every life is a work of art.  It's ok if it's lopsided and chaotic.  And it's supposed to bleed onto the next one.  If your life doesn't feel me, see me... know that I'm here, then I'll have to paint with bolder colors.

I'm so tired today.  I just want to go back to bed.  He was supposed to have the day off, but now he has to work.  Last night was date night, and I really enjoyed it, but I wasn't sure we should go since his schedule had changed.  I don't like when he doesn't get enough sleep.  He assured me he'd be fine so we'll see when I wake him up.

We went to dinner and to see "I Am Legend".  It was a good movie.  I'm not sure it lived up to the hype, but it was still worth the money.  I know it was fast paced and made me jump more than once, so it was a good movie!

We came home to more sick kids... ugh.  Will it ever end??  Apparently this virus hits so quickly even the teens can't make it to the bathroom on time.  I know when I'll catch it.  I'll get it over the weekend while we're down visiting Screw's family.  Won't that be just grand.

The coffee seems weak today.  It's funny how that happens since I use the exact same amounts of coffee and water every single morning.  Maybe I'm just that tired.

I really enjoyed my Motime conversation with RomaCittaEterna and InMyLife yesterday.  It made my day pass quickly... TOO quickly!  I couldn't believe how little I got done.  Oh well, it doesn't hurt to take a break sometimes.

I have so much to do before we leave on Friday.  I really have to get my butt up and get busy.  It's just another day in paradise!

Oh My Gosh was I really awake with coffee already made and in my hand before 5am this morning?!  How did this happen??  I know how it happened.  Screwboy was up sick all night and while he was trying to let me sleep, of course I didn't.  Just like he doesn't get much sleep when I'm really sick.  I worry about him too much.  He isn't sick often so when he is it freaks me out.  Well apparently I did sleep some because he blogged without me knowing.  I knew he had his laptop open, but I didn't hear keys clicking.  I woke up too early with a killer headache mostly from sinus and a little from tossing and turning all night.

Boy child is now feeling better and will be returning to school today.  He has to get up early because he has homework to turn in that I didn't make him finish.  I should have, and I told him to, but I didn't stay on him about it so at bedtime last night the homework wasn't done.  I wanted him to get a good night's sleep in order to feel better today, so I'm going to wake him up early, force him into the shower, and then help him with his work.  That reminds me, if you have children, tell me, do they all go through that phase right before puberty where you have to beat them to get them to shower??  It's driving me crazy!  I don't think I can wait this out!  I did get a little help from the sidelines last week, though.  Some little girl in his class told him he acted "preppie".  That, for some reason, made him feel really good.  So now he's asking for things like under shirts and cologne!  Yay!

Every evening when Screwboy gets home, I always hug him, kiss him, and ask him how his day went.  I don't think he exactly notices I do this every single day.  I've always wanted him to know that his day matters to me.  Most of the time I get a "fine" or "busy"...."it was ok"... "long"...  Something short and sweet and certainly not thought out.  But that's ok because that's what I expect.  Then later in the evening after we've settled down, we'll both just automatically recount any interesting details we experienced during our time apart.  Sometimes there's simply nothing to tell, and that's ok, too.  I'm not grilling him.  I don't need a play by play.  I just need to feel the closeness that comes with sharing even the mundane.

So last night we were talking.  He was sharing some candy that a fellow pharmacist made for Christmas.  It was good!  Not as good as the fudge he makes me, but it was good... and thoughtful.  He told me his day was busy.  I was telling him that I had actually felt a bit better during the morning (after a bad weekend).  I felt better so I cleaned the living room, the dining room, the kitchen, the bathroom, did tons of laundry and got halfway through our bedroom before I ran out of steam and the pain came back. 

And ladies, I kid you not... he looked at me completely bewildered and said, "But you did all that yesterday!"  I swear to you... I didn't know whether to be offended or laugh.  Do they REALLY not know that we do that EVERY SINGLE DAY?  So I just looked back at him and said, "I didn't mop yesterday."  And that seemed to satisfy him.  They're so cute when they're clueless.

I only have a few more minutes before the house comes to life with sleepy whines and chaotic bustling.  I'm going to read blogs, watch the news, and finish my coffee.  I have come to love this routine.  It doesn't seem like much, but it's everything to me.

I used to hate hot liquids.  I wasn't even a fan of hot chocolate.  I'm not sure why I felt that way.  Hot drinks do not normally quench my thirst, and I think I simplified it to that.  If it didn't "do" something...  Ahhh... but that was before I discovered just what caffeine could do for me!  Now I know the negatives of being a caffeine addict far outweigh the positives, but I like life in the fast lane so leave me alone.  I've thought about cutting it out because I know the positives of being caffeine free.  I'm strong right up until about the second hour of that headache. 

Hello, my name is Angel, and I am a caffeine addict. 

I still can't eat while drinking a hot liquid... not even something like... coffee and donuts.  Hey... if you're reading this blog looking for someone normal, just move right along.  You won't find anyone like that here.  Not even in the people who leave comments.

One of the things about living in an older house is how drafty it is.  I know some of it will be fixed once we replace the windows, but there are so many little twists and turns it's impossible to evenly heat a house of this size with this floor plan.  And where I sit to blog is in front of two really huge windows where it's always cold.  I'd rather be cold than hot, though.  I hate being hot.  I can bundle up when I'm cold but you can only strip down to nothing when you're hot and even then, you might not cool off.  Besides, if I strip down in front of my husband, there's going to be no cooling off anytime soon.

My mood really hasn't improved all that much since yesterday.  I'm just choosing to ignore it because I like living in denial.  And LaniLove, by the way... thank you for making me think all logical and crap with that email.  Hello?!  Do I SOUND like I want to rational about anything these days?   You reminded me of Howard.  ha!  I love you, though.  Thank you.

The middle child is home from school today with that virus.  B was jealous.  She wanted to know why she wasn't still sick enough to stay home.  I gave her the "girls vs. boys" speech.  How we heal much faster than boys because boys are crybabies.  That seemed to please her enough to get her out the door.  That, and it's her turn to bring the class snack.  She loves when it's her turn.  I hate it. 

It's way too cold outside.  Wind chills down into the single digits.  I'd be happier about that if I had snow to accompany it.  Although, I'm thankful it's cold outside because all the food from my fridge is out on my deck in a cooler.  Why?  Because my big $3000 fridge is screwed up again.  Sub-Zero can kiss my ass.  I wouldn't give ya $100 for a brand new one after my experiences with this one.  I'm praying the service guy will get to me this morning although I'm thinking I'm not going to like what he tells me. 

That's ok... oh honey!!  Guess what we're going shopping for after Christmas!  He's not going to be happy if the fridge can't be fixed without spending tons of money because he has his sights set on a hot tub after the holiday.  I'm thinking if he has to choose, we'll be buying non-parishable items for a while. 

As much as I'd like not cooking, I'm thinking I'll enjoy getting on my neighbor's nerves more by putting in a hot tub.  She'll explode if we make noise after 8pm.  But that's a whole other post.  I think I've bitched about her before.  Come to think of it, what haven't I bitched about here?

For some people it's early to be up on a Sunday morning.  For others, it's late.  I have been awake for hours... since the time was too late to be up on a Saturday night and too early to be awake on Sunday morning.  I don't think it matters.

The wind is gusting, throwing things around in the street, pinging them against one another.  The flags on the neighbor's house are flying in a perfect horizontal pattern.  There's a light dusting of small ice crystals on the top of my car, and if you focus really hard you can see the snow swirling around and salting everything on the other side of the window.   Even though it isn't really cold enough to last long, it's a beautiful scene.  Not quite the winter storm they predicted for us, but I'll take what I can get.

Two of the children are sick with a stomach virus that isn't allowing anything in the house to stay clean for more than twenty minutes.  Partly to blame for my late night/early morning.  The only question that remains is whether I'll catch it now or after they're well, only to give it back to them once again.

So many things to do and I honestly don't want to do them.  I have a ton of laundry to do thanks to the events of last night.  I need to make a path through the house, at least... a trip to the store just can't be put off another day.  I have Christmas crafting left to do, too.

I don't feel like it's Christmas.  I feel like it should have passed already.  I don't feel it deep inside my heart the way I usually feel it.  It makes me sad.  It's my favorite time of year, but this year... I just want it to hurry up and be over with.  So many obligations that I'm just not meeting.  No one is happy.  Everyone seems to feel so stressed, tired... defeated.  I feel overwhelmed.  Maybe I'm just tired.  Maybe when I get some rest, I'll feel like it's Christmas.

The snowflakes are bigger now.  You can see them without squinting your eyes.  They're still melting almost immediately.  But they're pretty while they're floating down.  I should get dressed and get the errands over with before it gets any worse outside.  I'm afraid I'll jinx it.  If I rush out to beat the weather, the sun will be out before I get back home.  And I really need it to keep snowing. 

I thought the world had ended yesterday morning when I woke up and could not read blogs while drinking my morning coffee.  Obviously I was wrong and the world didn't end just because Motime had a hiccup.  I did survive.  Although I will forever blame the break in my routine for my really bad day.  You know I have to blame something besides myself.

I just feel overwhelmed, and I can't seem to get anything done.  What I am doing, I'm not putting any emotion in at all... doing it half-assed... I can't focus, no concentration.  And I don't really think it has all that much to do with the holidays. 

Mother Nature is pissed off, and I don't think there's anything we can do about it.  The winter storms crippling so many states to the north and west of me... and then here, we went without rain for months and months.  Now... now... she's thinking we prayed for rain so much we need it ALL in two weeks.  I know what she's thinking.  I'm a woman, too.  She's thinking, "You all wanta bitch at the job I'm doing... I'll do my job, alright...."  She's thinking that because that's what I think when I never hear anything but complaints.  Then I vow to get it all done... and I obsess with it.  She's a woman obsessed.  We should all know better by now.

So my eighteen year old nephew came out of the closet last week.  Do you have to ask what that has done to my uber-conservative family?  Never mind that I'm still, at thirty-five, trying to figure out how they can be the way they are and be Democrats...

Anyhow....  He's out of the closet, and I'm not sure what's pissing me off about him the most... that he waited until the holidays to do it, or the fact that I think he's lying, going with the "in" crowd at school.  If I find out he's causing this drama just to fit in, I will hurt him myself.  He'd better be over the top, out of his head, down to his soul gay if he's going to ruin my Christmas.  Because if he did this for nothing, I might have to let them circle him and perform the exorcism they're all swearing he needs.

This is the thing for me.  He says he's known it for years now.  So what was the big deal in waiting a couple more weeks?  Couldn't it have been his New Year's resolution or something?  Don't flame with me hate mail.  If you knew him, you'd understand my frustration.  The boy has never done anything if it wasn't going to get him noticed.  (You people think I'm an attention whore!)  You see, most of the younger people in my very large, very southern family have done something to rebel at some point.  I got a tattoo and my tongue pierced.  Of course I waited until I was half a country away to make sure Daddy couldn't whip me over it.  But by the time he saw it, I had worked myself up to believe... hey, I can take him.  And boy did he shock me!  He didn't even try... he made fun of me!  He's a cool Dad, after all, right.

I don't regret doing either thing.  Not even the tattoo.  But this... if he isn't sure, no matter how modern we like to think our world is, this will be with him forever.  Even if he changes his mind today, everyone around here now knows he said he's gay.  That will never go away.  And from the things he has talked with me about... I just can't swear I think he is. 

Oh we've thought it for years.  I'm not sure why everyone is freaking out.  It isn't like we haven't whispered it for a while now.  My sister and mother are acting like they're devastated... never had a clue.  Hello?!?  Can you say "drama queens"?  How hard was it to guess?  His new friends at college are ALL gay, bi, or lesbians.  In a stretch of no more than a couple months, he got his lip pierced, his nipples pierced, and a tattoo right above and just to the right of his penis.  It's a pretty star.  Add that to him always knowing EXACTLY how to dress, wearing eyeliner, and HELLO... having better hair than me.  Am I stereotyping... hell yes... but it has "alternative lifestyle" written all over it!

I want him to be happy.  I want my family to be happy.  I want them to shut up and leave me alone about it.  I have far more important things to worry about... like why my decorations keep getting knocked down, who I'm gonna give these kittens to, and what idiot keeps hitting my fence.

The world did not end while Motime was down yesterday, and it isn't going to end because my nephew is gay.  If you ask me, they all need therapy.  I'm going to write that book someday, David.  I believe you now.  There are things in my life that need to be put to page.  Cheap entertainment is a good thing.

Today is my sister's birthday... or yesterday was my sister's birthday.  We really can't be sure.  We spent all our years growing up celebrating her birthday today.  But as she got older she found out that her birth certificate says her birthday is the 10th of December.  My mother swears she was born on the 11th and the date on the birth certificate is wrong.  Normally you'd believe a woman knows when she gave birth better than anyone else.  But this is my mother I'm talking about, and with her, you just never know.  We still celebrate today in order to keep my mom happy, but we all agree she was probably born on the 10th.  She has to celebrate on the 10th at work, etc.  She doesn't want to tell anyone that she doesn't know which day is her real birthday.  Either way she's my baby sister, and I love her.

It has been a dreary rainy day.  I haven't felt well so I haven't gotten anything accomplished... nothing except making it snow!

We like our colorful snowflakes best.  We think it's just the way the "sun" is hitting them... making them look like "colorful" crystals!

I have always had a deep serious love affair with wind.  I grew up in our state's own little tornado alley, and while that always made my mother practically stand on her head, I loved it.  You'd think be dragged out of bed in the middle of the night and ushered to the basement fifteen times a year would have made me hate the wind.  But I love the wind.  Happiness flows in on the wind.  Problems can be blown right out of town on it.  I love the way it causes my hair to go to hell no matter what I do to it.  I love the little chillbumps it brings out when it's a frosty gust.  I love watching the trees bending back and forth creating dance partner shadows through the window... and leaves swirling in the breezes creating their own little funnel clouds of a hundred colors.

It whispers through the trees and across the porch.  It whistles through the cracks in the windowpanes in this old house.  It talks to me, and it's a sexy little perverse conversation.  Watching the outside world give way to it and sway in a slow dance makes my skin go cool and excited. 

From my seat every morning I can look out my window and see my neighbor's house.  The neighbor who keeps his lawn magazine cover perfect.  The neighbor who always compliments our decorations but I'm sure tells his friends he hates the tacky people who bought the house next door.  Anyway... he has three flags anchored to the column on his big southern porch.  I love watching the wind twist and turn them.  It's invigorating.  I really like watching it disturb his immaculately placed comb over, too.

Obviously the wind makes me mischievous.  Not terribly bad.  Just in a playful annoying way that will no doubt cause me trouble.  But in reality, it would be a long day if something didn't get me into trouble.  It's just how I am.

Ok... this Nebraska shooting... this horrible act...  I'm angry.  You know what I think needs to be done when these things happen?  It's simple...

The newcasts... the papers should all read and say:  "Complete Moron Shoots Eight People...".  These people's names should NEVER be given.  The articles and segments should then go on to naming the victims and being tributes to their families and lives.  The shooters shouldn't be given 2 seconds of airtime or ink. 

Some of this is our fault.  Stop giving them the freaking attention they're getting, and maybe that will stop some of them from performing acts to make themselves "famous". 

Famous, my ass.  I heard his name this morning, and now I'm choosing to forget he ever existed.  I don't care how depressed he was, how horribly he's been treated in life, he had no right to do what he did.  But now his name will be repeated hundreds of times, there will be deep studies into his life, his mind, and his actions.  There will be books written about him and possibly even movies made about the event.  We are such a morbid twisted society.

THIS is why I'm a SciFi freak.  It's so much easier to handle when a GIANT bug invades a mall.  That LITTLE bug needs to be tagged as a John Doe and forgotten.

So I got into the holiday spirit just a tad today... here and the other blog, Crocheting in Chaos, too.

Now if it would just SNOW.

My weekend went fast and wonderful.  That's a pretty good combination except now the week is here and I have so much to do.  We got tons of shopping out of the way, and we enjoyed some wonderful slow quiet meals together.  I've always loved our little escapes for "adult" dinners.  Our conversations always flow so freely.. so open and warm.  We can talk about anything... religion, politics, health, weather... even ex-relationships!  We talk and laugh and have such wonderful times huddled into dark booths in obscure places or at tables out in the middle of franchised restaurants.

We can even disagree on things and still laugh.  For example, at a particular coffee stop this weekend, we went into the store only to be greeted by a local troubadour.  I think that I could handle it for about fifteen minutes before I would want to choke him.  T thought he set the scene and could be enjoyed for hours.  Sure... maybe if the place hadn't been so SMALL, he hadn't been so LOUD, and he could actually sing in TUNE.  Whatever~

It was so fun shopping with T.  I'm so used to having to do that by myself that it was weird having someone along.  Even when I was married before I had to do all those types of things alone.  And I understand that it's like that in many households.  Men realize that the mother is the one spending most of the time with the kids so she knows what they want or need better.  And if it works for you, that's wonderful.  I loved having someone to hang out with and a second opinion.  I loved how he would share in the joy of finding just the right gift for the right person.  He didn't make me feel stupid for being so excited over the smallest things.  He understands that it's just part of who I am.  I just loved the time together.  On the way home I caught him looking at me and smiling several times, and it just warmed my heart.

Now it's time to get things in gear and actually get all these holiday obligations out of the way so I can enjoy the season.  We had a monsoon last night just as we were carrying in the Christmas gifts.  I wish it had been snow but nooooo.... why should I actually get the weather I want just once!?