It is absolutely amazing what just a couple hours of quiet "adult" time will do for you.  I know you hear that all the time, but if you don't listen, you should.  A quick dinner out of the house last night made me feel a million times better.  It wasn't extravagant.  The two of us just stepped out for a quick break in the middle of a very chaotic week.  I think I talked more in that hour than I've spoken in a week.  He just sat and smiled at me and commented here and there.  At one point I could tell he was tickled at my speed talking.  I pointed it out so he knew he could giggle at me without hurting my feelings.  He knows what I go through.  B is in that stage where she says the word "mommy" at least a million times an hour.  And while I'm complaining about it, I'm not.  I cherish each and every time she says it... mostly.

I got a call yesterday morning from her teacher's aid telling me that B had a very bad tummy ache and didn't look well at all.  She said she knew it was real because B never complains.  So I ran out to get her.  It was a miracle!  By the time we got back home, she had mysteriously been healed!  With no one else in the  house, no neighborhood kids to distract her, I heard "mommy" more than ever! 

She gave me a makeover.  It took me every second of about twenty minutes to just get the blush off my face.  T and I were standing in the restaurant last night waiting to order and sit down and I was telling him about my day.  I said, "I looked like a slutty Raggedy Ann".  He said, "ooh that's hot." just loud enough for the two men in front of us to hear everything.  I didn't know we were talking that loudly, and I didn't know they were paying attention until I saw one nudge the other and laugh.  I think I blushed a slutty Raggedy Ann mode naturally.  Apparently men are in to women made up like slutty cloth dolls.  Who knew.

If you go to bed in a bad mood chances are you're going to wake up in a bad mood.  I had a hard time going to sleep.  And now I'm awake and sore.  Either from tossing and turning all night or not moving once I zonked out.  Take your pick.

I don't think a single person came through my door without finding something to complain about yesterday.  It was raining so no one could play outside, the right food wasn't in the house, older siblings wouldn't play with younger siblings, someone messed with the Christmas decorations, there wasn't anything lying around to inspire a school project, a cat got into the garbage outside... they had headaches and sore muscles, hard homework, too much homework.  I honestly could go on and on, but it wouldn't make me feel any better to continue bringing them all back up today.  Not a single person thought to ask how I felt or how my day had gone.  I'm the mommy so it isn't like I'm not used to that, but somedays it just hits ya, you know?

And this whole idea I have about making certain people Christmas gifts this year not only to add a personal touch but to save money... screw that.  My sanity is worth more than any satisfaction or any amount of money.  I think I worked 3 hours on one item last night and didn't even make a dent in it.  I cussed and whined a lot, but I can't be sure if that was due to the project or my frustration from working my ass off all day and having no one care.

On a positive note, T must be feeling my anxiety because he's planning a spur of the moment trip out of town this weekend to Christmas shop.  (Yes he actually plans to take me with him.)  Just out of the blue he suggested an overnight stay to get away from it all and enjoy a day or so of shopping.  He either loves me or is sensing my impending breakdown and is fearing for his life.  Or both?

There are people I could blame for this attitude of mine... disappearing on me, deciding to get lives of your own... like ya didn't know I'd be bitter about it all.  How is an attention whore like myself supposed to have the breakdown of a lifetime if no one is around to appreciate the display of raw emotion?  It's pointless to work myself up like this if it's going to get me no affection whatsoever from anyone.  Duh.

I have to head upstairs now to wake up satan and her minions.  I had to put her to bed at 7pm last night because she was even more evil than normal.  She hadn't slept much the night before due to getting a bit out of whack over the holiday so by the time bath time came around, I opted to skip it for a shower this morning and protect the rest of us by putting her to bed early. 

Thinking back on it, I shouldn't have afforded the rest of them that free pass.  I should have let her spread her havoc and chaos upon all their lives.  They'd have noticed me then!  They would have been at my feet begging for me to show them mercy!  She's only five, I realize, but trust me on this, she can make a grown man pee on himself from fear when she's tired.

I don't know where she gets it.

Thanksgiving went off as close to perfect as any holiday could.  Everyone had such a great time, and my house is still standing.  So much talking and laughter and generally loving life.  It was special for my family because we were celebrating the miracles of this past year.  Three of us ...  three of us were in critical care units over this past year.  All with major heart attacks.  My brother, mother, and brother-in-law... all of them... beat weeks of life support, emergency surgeries, more than one wron diagnosis, incorrect medications,  and a medical staff shaking their heads basically waiting for them to die.  It was a special day for us.

I didn't think the holiday would be so wonderful because I spent the entire night trying to comfort a dying kitten.  Literally the entire night.  So while I had fun on Thanksgiving, I was exhausted all day.  We've lost two of the kittens, and it has been heartbreaking.  Especially with the second one because we thought he'd make it.  I bonded with him feeding him every couple of hours and keeping him warm.  It was so sad.  I think the rest will be fine, though.  By the time he actually passed, I was relieved to see him go.  The poor little thing suffered so much through the night.  It was good to have the dinner to focus on.  It kept me busy and didn't give me any time to think about it.  So by the end of the day, I'd settled down enough to be calm about it.

It's time to start the Christmas shopping.  Yes, we haven't even started yet.  Belle wants that stupid Butterscotch pony.  Hello?!?  We live in Kentucky!  We can get her a REAL pony for the cost of that thing!  I just don't think I'm buying it.  It makes better sense to me to buy her that second Barbie house she wants than that stupid pony.  It's like $250, and it doesn't even let a kid ride it!  They sit on it and it makes a "galloping" sound!  It moves it's head and tail... makes eating sounds.  The sixteen year old said he'd do that and even let her ride on his back for $230.  I asked him why that price.  Was there something he wanted for that price?  He just said he was undercutting the competition of Butterscotch.  I just don't think she's getting the pony.

We almost have all the decorations up.  We passed up tacky a while ago and have now entered into awe inspiring.  People are already stopping in the middle of the street to look.  Our neighbors, the man with the perfect lawn, compliment us.  But I know he's thinking how trashy we are the entire time.  I remember him.  He only had one son who is just a couple years older than me.  He had a "Stepford" family when we were growing up.  Never mind he's divorced now and living with his divorced sister.  I think his son visits on the holidays.  I like thinking I'm getting on his nerves and bringing down his property value.  I'm a bitch like that.

It's Monday.  It's pouring the rain.  I have a million things to do today.  I might just sit here and blog all day.  We'll see.... stranger things have happened.

The night was pitch black but more alive than I remember one being in a while.  There were no stars.  There was no moon.  But I heard the crickets.  I heard the house settling... it moaned and groaned and then let out a long sigh into a deep slumber.  I listened to the kittens whine for momma.  I heard  her on the prowl most of the night.  I settled in with the rain pouring down on the rooftop and pinging against the window pane.  I fell asleep listening to the thunder rumbling in the distance.  I listened to him breathe in long slow deep breaths.  I heard every soft movement he made.  Most nights it would have bothered me but last night the humming of the electronics around me almost seemed like a lullabye.  I listened to the beat of my own heart. 

Sometimes when it feels like that I'm afraid to breathe.  I don't want to disturb anything.  I don't want it to go away.  I want it frozen in time just the way it is.  All that commotion in the middle of the night... flawed perfection.  It was the absence of peace in the most peaceful way.

LIfe goes down better with a bitter cup of coffee.  I'm not sure why.  It just does.  I had the weirdest dreams last night, and I wasn't even drugged.  Fortunately I can't remember most of them.  I just know I woke up more than a couple times totally confused and a bit creeped out.

I have an overwhelming sense of dread as the days tick off toward Thanksgiving because I know that I'll put everything off until the last minute just like I do every year.  I really am going to try to get started earlier this year... like today.  It wouldn't be so bad if my mother wasn't the way she is.  Unfortuantely her OCD is heavily felt by everyone, and I can't have her in my house for dinner unless it shines.  Otherwise, she just won't come.  And when you have the neighborhood Kool-Aid house, it's not easy to keep it clean.

Word around town is that the medical office where I used to work is suffering majorly since my resignation.  The laser tech says appointments are a fraction of what they used to be, they're getting complaints about me being gone, and the fact that the new manager has no professionalism whatsoever.  Oh come on.... we know it's because everyone misses my style, charm, and southern wit, right.  I mean, it couldn't possibly be the simple fact that the owner is a skillet-licking bitch and now there isn't anyone there to cushion her stupidity so everyone is feeling it.  That's just my opinion, of course.

I forgot to mention that the pretty kitty, Ophelia, is back home with us.  You see, when we gave all the cats away, she went to my sister's with the idea she'd be fixed.  Then one day my sister just off-handedly mentions that Ophelia is knocked up again.  So... I brought her slut arse back home so she could have the kittens.  THIS TIME I'll be the one taking her to the vet.  Her kitten populating days are over!  In the meantime, I have five new kittens to give away.  They'll be ready in about three weeks.  Once this is over there won't be a single pet in my house unless I keep Ophelia.  Not even fish!  The last of the giant killer fish that T put in the tank has finally died, and I haven't had time to replace them.  I'm not happy his fish died.  I feel terrible for him.  Let's just say... I'm relieved it kicked the bucket before it ate me in my sleep.

It's Monday.... all day long.  I'm thinking it's going to be a long day.  Hopefully I won't hurt anybody.

Am I wrong to want to put up my Christmas tree early this year?  I want it up and the house all aglow with the warmth and comfort it brings for our family Thanksgiving dinner.  It was a big deal for my mother to turn the dinner over to me, and I like making it special.  I didn't ask for it, and it causes more than one meltdown every year, but it makes me happy to have my entire family in my house for a special occasion.  It's a beautiful tree, and I put my heart into it.  But in order to do that, I'd have to put it up earlier than I ever have.  I'm not one to start decorating until after Thanksgiving, 

I have an aunt who lives for the Christmas holiday.  I think she's in her seventies now, and she gets so much joy from turning her house into a winter wonderland.  Even the shower curtain comes down to be replaced with a Christmas themed one.  Every bed is changed... rugs... everything.  I used to think it was crazy... too commercial... but as I got older and realized why she does it, I know that she does it for her.  It brightens her life and makes her happy.  But then I'm one to take it down on December 26th.  For me, when it's over, it's over.  So it's not like I'll have overdone it, right? 

T went to the store to grab some totes to store all the Halloween stuff in.  I just sort of absent-mindedly asked him, "What did ya find?" later that evening.  He said, "Oh I grabbed a couple big blue storage totes."  I'd already bought three smaller ones, and he spared no expense in making fun of me for insisting they be orange or black.  I think he got the blue ones on purpose. 

BUT... that wasn't all.  He neglected to tell me that I would walk out the front door the next morning and find a car load of Christmas decorations stacked neatly on the porch.  Like the garage isn't brimming over with them already!  It's an addiction for him.  He needs help. 

"What did ya find?"

"Oh I grabbled a couple big blue storage totes."

MEN...

Sometimes that first cup of coffee is absolutely perfect before I ever take the first drink.  Just the warmth of it in my hands makes me feel better in the morning.  I am not a morning person.  Everyone has probably figured that out by now.  I have actually felt really good lately, but I still hate mornings.  I have always been that way.

The Halloween holiday went off without a hitch!  We had well over one hundred trick-or-treaters, and that's great considering we don't live in a subdivision.  And while the house is located in the middle of town, we're on a pretty sharp incline... lazy parents don't walk that incline often.  But we had people driving to our house that didn't go to any other house around us!  We had people slowing down in their cars to take pictures of all the kids and decorations!

I wish I had good pictures to show, but some little two-legged freak broke yet another camera here.  And no one will admit who it was.  So for now the only cameras in the house are the really nice video camera that I can't find the charger to and cell phones.  We took some pics with the phones, but they don't do the decorations justice.  Not to mention you can't see the rolling fog very well or hear the thunder and see the lightning.  It was pretty awesome.  I was quite proud of the little duck!  He worked hard!  I wasn't going to post the pictures in hopes that it would tempt him to blog again and post them, but he's a lazy ass, so I'll just post them!

He did treat me to a date over the holiday to see "30 Days of Night".  OH MY GOSH... I think it's the absolute best vampire movie I have ever seen.  And that's an honor considering I've probably seen every one ever made.  I LOVED it for ALL the reasons so many others hated it.  There was no severely deep plot!  No romanticizing, no tortured vampire fighting his inner human, no big boobed blonde chick falling in love with a gorgeous vampire pushing her away because he loves her too much crap.  There was no humanizing them whatsoever!  Just TONS of blood-sucking fiends who figured out there's a place on earth with a thirty day pass to free food!  You know it's a good horror movie when you spend the entire movie holding your breath and yet it can still make you tear up at the end.  Anyway, it was awesome.