THANK GOD IT'S OVER!! 

What, you ask?!  Not a bad relationship... a hard project at work... an illness...That stupid cult gathering known as BRISTOL. 

Today should be the final day of the homeward trek of all the skillet-licking, RV driving rednecks coming through my town.  Give me back my gas pumps, my restaraunts, hell... my side of the road.  And for the love of Christmas don't preach to me about all  money this brings to my little town now that the weirdos have figured out my road is a shortcut.  I really don't care.  I don't own any of the estrablishments they're spending their money at, so I don't care. 

Don't send me hate mail.  Anyone that has been reading my blog for more than six months knows how I feel about Nascar.  And yes, I know not EVERYONE fits my earlier description.  Why... there are people in my family... upstanding, very middle American family members who LOVE Nascar.  I forgive them.  I really do.  But I will get up and leave the room when they start. 

T's brother has a girlfriend who will very likely become his wife.  I haven't met her, but the brothers love to discuss how that first meeting is going to go because she is a NASCAR addict.  But I've heard all about her and seen pictures.  I'm pretty sure she doesn't chew tobacco so I'll behave.  I promise. 

I know my harsh view of this "sport" may surprise some of you because I'm normally a very open-minded person, but there's just something about it that has always repulsed me.  Maybe it's my life long struggle to free myself of the stereotyping cast upon me simply because I'm southern. 

And yet here I am casting the same shadows upon other people, right? 

Ok... so maybe I'll try to change.  Who drives that Viagra car?  I'll be for him.  After all I'm all about anything that allows a boy to play with his toys and gives me something to play with, too.

Last night I was lying in the dark.  I felt fine.  Then all at once it was if someone had taken a large vat and filled it with every single moment of sadness and loneliness from my past.  And then like a hot liquid poured it over me... I felt like I was drowning.  All of a sudden I felt him by my side, and before I knew it he pulled me onto his chest, wiped my tears with his fingers, and I heard him whisper, "Baby.... I'm so thankful for you."  I drifted off to sleep while he whispered comfort to me.  Everything was alright in my world... at least for a night. 

Today is my grandmother's seventy-nineth birthday.  I'm just glad I've had her around this long.  She was telling us about her upcoming knee surgery, and I could tell she's nervous about it.  She's just recovering from a broken hip and following surgery, and I know she's in no hurry to go back under the knife.  The doctors say that she really doesn't have much choice if she wants to use her leg.  So next month she's back in the hospital and back in rehab.  She's hating it already.  But she's the strongest woman I've ever known.  She'll be fine.  She's my hero.  Everything I've ever done in life, she has always been the first person I wanted to be proud of me.  I think she is.

So I introduced T to some of the shady side of my family.  I admit... I was nervous.  He was such a trooper.  He didn't show any fear.  No reaching around to make sure he still had his wallet... complete confidence.. looking everyone in the eye.  I was proud.  I showed him where I grew up, and reminded him of stories I've already told him showing him where they happened.  Like the time I ran over the garden snake with my bike and fainted.  That was the first time I realized my complete fear of snakes.  (What's that called, anyway... the phobia, I mean?)  He smiled as I showed him everything.  At times I felt him slip his hand in mine or I felt his palm on the small of my back.  The comfort felt good.  My grandma likes him.  I can tell.  That says a lot.  It's been a good day.  Celebrating such a wonderful woman. 

Next week is my family reunion.  T might be glad he's working... ;)

I'm dragging this morning, but I think it's more from an emotional hangover than anything.  Don't get me wrong, I'm tired.  I'm always tired.  Yesterday evening/last night... I hate feeling anxiety, stress.  Things get thrown at me, and sometimes instead of catching them they knock me down.  But I'm working through it all, and I'm ok.  I think I'm on my way to being really ok, and it feels good no matter what gets thrown at me.  I'm content.  May not seem like much, but I don't think I've ever felt peace in my life.  And I can feel it on the horizon... it's a good place to be no matter the stresses.... :)

Oh am I ever tired this morning!  Coffee and the cool air will get me through what I need to do, and then I'll hopefully I'll get a bit of rest.  I'm not complaining though...

Years ago I knew someone special that, if it's possible, loves music even more than I do.  I've lost touch with him, but he is a really good man and a good friend, and when I think of him I wish him the best.  He was a great influence on me.  Especially the music I listen to today.  I remember when he introduced me to Jonny Lang.  Oooh I fell in love with that guy's music.  And that led me on to so much more.... like John Hiatt.  And it was Mr. John Hiatt who set such a romantic mood for me last night... God Bless Good Music and the people who make it, the friends who share it, and the romance it brings.

"...batten down the hatches... but keep your heart on your sleeve... A little bit of stormy weather, that's not cause for us to leave.  Just stay here baby, in my arms.  Let it wash away the pain.... feels like rain..."

I didn't sleep well last night.  And when I did sleep I had horrible dreams... they wouldn't be nightmares to most people, but they were to me.  Then when the clock went off, it seemed as if it was chiming "ha ha... and you thought those nights were gone" at me. 

OH well...  I should have expected it.  I had a not so great evening, and I took the stress of it to bed with me last night.  I know better, but I just haven't quite mastered how to not do it yet.  I'm going to try to have a good day.  It's just hard to fight once the downhill spiral gets going.  I've been awake long enough to notice I got nothing done yesterday, the house is trashed, and I've added to it by spilling coffee. 

It's ok.  I didn't spill it all.

Oooh... how long has it been since I posted totally with a coffee buzz and before the sunrise??  I'm gonna crash hard later, but for now I'm feeling good and all is right with the world. 

There's a new view from my front porch.  I miss the cows across the street.  I wonder how they're doing.  I miss watching the buses pull in to the school yard to the left of me... watching the kids hop off full of life and mischief. 

But what I have now... I have a porch swing.  It's so much easier to sit back and relax with my coffee.  I have a newly landscaped yard.  Ok.  Partially landscaped.  All the hard stuff has been done.  Now I get to add the FLOWERS!!  And we're not talking just flowerboxes, either!  I have more room than I know how to handle!  How cool is that?!?  And a backyard with a great deck and fence.  My little Belle is loving it!  The stupid little rat dog is, too. 

What's even more important... I woke up this morning wrapped in warmth and love feeling completely adored and happy.  (and pain free)  I'm alive.  I'm living. 

And it's Monday! 

I woke up in pain this morning... just like every morning.  I'm so tired of never feeling whole... never feeling like a complete human. 

But that isn't what kept me awake last night.  So many people I love are going through so much lately, and I wish I could just take away their pain.  I wish I could take away their anger and heartbreak and stress.  My phyiscal pain seems like nothing compared to the torment going on in the hearts and minds of the people I love. 

I would take it from you all if I could.  My Daddy always said to never ask God for something unless you were sure you wanted it.  He used to say that praying to share someone's pain wasn't a good idea unless you were prepared to do it because God just might answer that prayer. 

But I pray that today.  I'm strong enough.  If I could just give one day's peace to the people who mean the most to me, I'd gladly give up that day's sanity for them.  Happiness, shelter... security.  Things I can't go out and buy, and I can't make them and wrap them in pretty paper.  But if I could find a way to give them to you all, I would... even if it meant less for me.

I live on pretzels, peppermint, and phenergan.  I love peppermint.  Pretzels have always been a favorite snack for me.  But the phenergan... oh my god... how I hate that stuff.  I suppose I'm thankful it exists.  I'm thankful there is something to help with the constant state of nausea I seem to live in, but the side effects are terrible.  At least for someone who wants to function and be AWAKE... ever. 

When T is here I'm more likely to take it because I know there's someone around who will take care of things for me... as well as take care of me.  I'm afraid I'm being spoiled to that.  I've never been able to close my eyes in rest and KNOW that everything will be ok when I wake up.

Now, don't get me wrong... I've had some of the most amazing emotional support that anyone could ever dream of over the past couple of years.  When I left my husband I had no idea what I was going to do.  And there were days when I felt more alone than I ever imagined I could feel.  But for the most part, I have had such loyalty and support... love that I never expected. 

I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I have I'd take on hell with a water gun for... any day. 

But even now, with all this I have to be so thankful for, even with someone by my side, it still gets so hard sometimes.  It gets so hard to not want to give up.  But as I've posted before, we say we want to give up, but we really can't.  A temper tantrum and the threat to give up is as far as I can go because it's not within me to give up.  I've been known to run from things a few times, but when I'm face to face with it, and my back is against the wall, surrender is not an option. 

No negotiations.

No white flags. 

And now... no retreat. 

I know I'm not alone.  I know I face this with unbelievable backup. 

Geez.... I hate phenergan.

www.crochetchaos.motime.com

(DISCLAIMER:  If you're an attorney, in the military, or a stupid man this post will offend you.)

I know I'm not posting very much lately, but it's only because life is very hectic these days.  It's hard to find the time to do anything.  And this post is just to vent... nothing more.  Then I'm going to log off, pull myself together, take some pics, and start working on a nice post about my house. 

All I'm going to say is... I have developed a very strong prejudice against lawyers, the military, and stupid men.  I realize this is a very generalized statement, but to specify would only make me think about things and piss me off even more. 

On the other hand, my nephew had a horrible accident last week, and almost lost his life.  But he's ok now, and he's going to be just fine.  The temperature here has finally broken, and I can be outside more than five minutes without frying.  A really cool lawn guy removed all that horrible overgrowth around the house so I don't have to freak out about that anymore.  

I'm coming outta my skin, I'm freaking out and falling apart on a daily basis lately.  But all in all... I do believe I'm the luckiest woman alive.  I have the most wonderful friends and family on the planet... people who love me so much.  And I love them... each and every one of you.  Remember that even when I forget to tell you. 

Oh... and stay away from lawyers, the military, and stupid men. 

Have you ever noticed how we hurt the people we love the most?  I mean... if you come home from work after a really horrible day, and you're just in the worst mood ever you're probably going to take it out on someone in your household... your spouse.  You just snap at them like crazy, but then the old hag across the street can call you up, and you'll be just as nice as pie to her.  We don't mean to do it, but normally that's how it's done. 

I wish it was easier to be a perfect person.... to always be able to make everyone happy.  To be able to always express the love in your heart to the people who mean the most to you. 

I wish there were never lapses in judgement, communication, adoration. 

I wish people could always be secure in who they are and what they have to offer life.  No one ever felt insecurities creeping upon them because someone fell short of proving their love. 

If I could be a perfect person in a perfect world, I'd never fail to show my love and support to the people in my life.  I'd never allow my insecurities and complexes to dictate my happiness or cause me to doubt the people who obviously love me.  I want to be happy, and I want the people I love to be happy. 

I want to rest securely in my confidence that while life isn't always perfect, the love in my heart and the love bestowed upon me is surely nothing less than that.... perfect.

I got a lot done today, but I'm feeling it.  Lately it seems like anything I do sends me into exhaustion or the nearest bathroom to hang my head over the toilet.  You'd think I'd learn, but I never learn anything!

 Anyway... I'm not going to complain no matter how much I overdo it.  I'm spending most of my serious energy on my house, and it's not like I'm going to stop anyway.  It might be exhausting, but it's fun! 

Today I painted the staircase wall.  It used to be white, and it was pretty nasty.  I wasn't going to get to that right away, but it got on my nerves.  So today I painted it a nice bold burgundy called "Loganberry".  Why did I pick such a dark bold color? 

One... because every single time Belle climbs the stairs she runs her hand up the wall... nothing like the look of that on white paint, huh. 

Two... BECAUSE I CAN!!! 

I can paint it any color I choose!!  How freaking awesome is that?! 

Pictures someday.... I promise.