I'm going to get made fun of by posting this, I know.  But, oh well...  The thing is, I don't understand why gadget girls can't be "girls"! 

Why do we have to suffer through the mundane boring accessories that men use?!  My laptop, for instance.  It's great... it's new... but it's ugly.  Why do I have to compromise style for quality?  Why can't I have a nice shiney red laptop?  Or green?  Why doesn't my cell have to be ugly gray?  (I'm not into the whole pink razor thing) 

Ok... sure... Mac has their cute little white ibooks.  I have one of those, too! 

And AlienWare has its nifty greens and blues if you have an extra fortune lying around. 

I also found a cute little X2 that you can even get in lavendar with a matching bag!  But the specs of the comp seemed to be a tad bit weak.

I read somewhere that there are stores all over Japan that paint laptops!  It's an actual business!  How cool is that?!  Why doesn't HP, Dell, or even Gateway offer custom laptop colors?  Not like they wouldn't love the idea of getting to charge ya for something else.  And I'd be one of the people who'd pay it.

Kate Spade  should hook up with one of the big comp companies and make us girls a kickass laptop line.  I'm all about that.

I freak over the tiniest most insignificant things.  Yet the catastrophic landslides that happen in my life I take in stride... never miss a step. 

Lose an arm, oh well, I have a spare. 

Break a nail, oh my god the world is ending. 

Is this because I'm a woman, southern, just plain weird, or...

D): all the above?

"All day I think about it, then at night I say it.  Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing?  I have no idea.  My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that, and I intend to end up there. 

This drunkenness began in some other tavern.  When I get back around to that place, I'll be completely sober.  Meanwhile, I'm like a bird from another continent, sitting in this aviary. 

The day is coming when I fly off, but who is it now in my ear, who hears my voice?  Who says words with my mouth? 

Who looks out with my eyes?  What is the soul?  I cannot stop asking.  If I could taste one sip of an answer, I could break out of this prison for drunks.  I didn't come here of my own accord, and I can't leave that way.  Whoever brought me here will have to take me back. 

This poetry.  I never know what I'm going to say.  I don't plan it.  When I'm outside the saying of it, I get very quiet and rarely speak at all."

~Jalal Al-Din Rumi~

Hurry, coffe, hurry.  I'm cold, and I'm dragging.  It's a dreary rainy morning, and trying to go back to sleep is useless... has been since about 5:30, so hurry, coffee, hurry. 

Why did I wait until now to make my coffee?  Because I've been entertaining the idea of kicking the habit.  But what I'm really doing is causing myself tons of agony before I have my coffee.  So I give up... life's too short... if this don't kill me... blah blah blah. 

My plans for the day are to work my butt off getting everything accomplished that I should already have done this week.  Nothing short of a miracle will get it all done, but as it happens, I believe in miracles.  We'll see.:)

Ok... so I've been getting these headaches for a while now.  They come on in an instant, hurt like hell, and leave just as quickly.  But normally, there's some sort of warning... at least a dull ache somewhere.  Last night there was no warning.  It dropped in on me while I was walking through my hallway, and I thought I wouldn't make it to my bed to sit down.  I fought with it for a few minutes until I realized it wasn't going anywhere without meds.  I'm stubborn when it comes to drugs, but sometimes I have phases where I need them a lot... and often.  And with my brother's addiction haunting me, I've always been very skeptical of their usage.  So usually I have to feel like I'm dying before I'll take anything. 

Last night qualifies. 

Then, the drug kicked in, eased the pain enough to where I could at least open my eyes... and before I knew, it was gone. 

The phantom headache. 

There is a point to this story other than my bitching over my health. 

I got up this morning not feeling all that well and thinking my day was going to be hell.  I have sooo much to do!  And I agreed to babysit over night for a family member who has to go out of town... so any minute now, ANOTHER four year old will be here for 24 hours.  Two of them... what was I thinking?!?!  So I'm dragging ass, sitting here looking at everything, waiting for coffee, feeling more depressed by the minute...

WHAM!  Phantom headache. 

They usually don't show up this often.  I wasn't in the mood... screw that.  I don't have time to be the "say no to drugs" martyr today... straight to the strong stuff.  (this is how you get hooked, huh) 

So I sit back in the recliner waiting for it to ease up.  I had my laptop already on looking at a crochet pattern I'm working on, and I had itunes up and ready to go.  I closed my eyes, and just as the headache started to disappear, my itunes mysteriously started up.  I wasn't touching the comp, I swear.  I don't have it set to shuffle or anything... and I had forgotten I even had this song, so it wasn't like I had it ready to play... and before I knew it, I'm smiling, singing and bouncing around the livingroom picking up last night's disaster of toys and games and shoes... and it's a damn good day. (It's a really cool feel good song!) 

I'm thinking we should declare all Mondays unofficial holidays or something.  Not the kind that will get you off work, obviously.  But the kind you have to celebrate anyway.  That way we won't dread them so much... If every Sunday night you say, "Tomorrow is Monday... yeah, but it's a holiday."  We won't hate them so badly, right!?!?  Amazing what good music and strong drugs can do...

Ok... so maybe I should have taken HALF a pill...  :)

"Everytime I think of you, it always turns out good. 

Everytime I've held you I felt you understood. 

People say a love like ours will surely pass.

But I know a love like ours will last and last. 

Seasons come and seasons go but our love will never die. 

Let me hold you, darling, so you won't cry. 

People say our love affair will never last. 

But we know a love like ours will never pass.   

But maybe, I was wrong not knowing how our love should go. 

But I wasn't wrong in knowing how our love would grow. 

And everytime I think of you...

(Everytime) 

Everytime I think of you

(Every single time) 

It always turns out good. 

People say a love like ours will surely pass,

but I know a love like ours will surely last..." 

~The Babys~

CLOSURE

Confusion.

Guilt. 

Heartbreak. 

Anger. 

Sadness. 

Realization. 

Goodbye.

I thought I'd kicked the coffee habit.  I was sooo wrong.  And the sad thing is, it's already like 80 degrees in here this morning, and I still had to do the coffee thing in order to get going.  No sleep last night, ya know. 

The thing is, my air conditioning is broken, and the landlord promised to fix it.... yesterday.  Needless to say, he didn't.  Maybe he's just mean.  Maybe he really did kill his wife. (That's a whole other blog entry) 

I can't tell if I feel better this morning.  I do physically.  But my mind just won't slow down.  I'm trying to stay busy... tons of work to do.  It just doesn't seem to be working for me.  I'm still fighting this buildup of anxiety, and I have no idea why I'm even feeling it.  I'm sure it's just the transition to spring or something. 

I'm in a good place in my life.  I think that may be part of it.  I wasn't expecting to find peace at this point in my life and now that I am, I think I'm scared to death that I'm going to wake up and it's all going to be a dream. 

Sometimes you just gotta breathe... learn to exhale and let it all flow from you.  I know I've been fighting my emotions again... holding back.  And that is something I cannot do.  I have to feel them, ride them out.  When I start to block out, hold back... I fall apart.  I've worked very hard to change that, and I'm not going to fall back to it now.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I'm exhausted, but I'm incapable of sitting still.  The thought of lying down in bed to sleep makes my skin crawl.  I'm on edge, and there's absolutely no reason to feel any anxiety.  None more than normal, anyway.... should be less.  And it really is.... so what's wrong with me? 

Elusive sleep... it stays just out of my reach and taunts me.  Makes me miserable.  I'm letting the smallest of things get to me.  I can't relax because I have laundry to do.  I can't feel calm because the house is dirty.  I can't go to sleep because, get this, I dread waking up to everything I have to do tomorrow.  Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by my weakness.  It doesn't make sense because I have no reason to be. 

These late night breakdowns have to end someday, right?  Or am I forever doomed to live out every insecurity I have every single time the lights go out? 

I wasn't always this way, and I don't intend to let my fears strangle me forever, but it isn't always easy to hold on to the determination that drives me forward.  I lose my way sometimes.  It scares me.  I want to be strong. 

I just want to find my way.

I'm not always the best person I can be.  I rarely live up to the person I should be.  I'm an even worse friend most of the time. 

I bow out.  I close off.  My walls have walls.  I go inward.  I'm like one of those little cartoon boxes and that just keeps folding into itself until it *poofs*... it's gone... disappears into thin air.  I don't mean to be that way. 

And it's not when they need me that I run for cover.  It's when I need them.  That's when I duck and run.  I know that I do it.  I know that I shouldn't.  I do it anyway.  I don't know why. 

I just know that it's never been easy for me to expose my weaknesses.  And I know that's selfish because I always expect people to open themselves up to me.  I expect you to let me be there during the worst pain... the raw side of every hurt.  But I don't allow anyone to do that for me. 

I'm afraid the bad stuff will outweigh the good.  I'm scared the negatives will be the focus, and no one will see who I am when it's all good.  I'm not used to trusting anyone with anything beyond a laugh, a witty comment, and a smile. 

I could give a million reasons but none are good excuses. 

I'm going to try to trust my loved ones as much as I expect them to trust me.  I can't promise success, but it's a start.  

I'm sorry for the silence of the past.  You might eventually be sorry for the lack of it in the future.   :) 

OH my day isn't going so well at all.  I overslept, my kidneys are torturing me, and I'm sooo tired.  Not to mention my picture isn't working here anymore, and guess what... I can't find where I had the stupid thing so I can't move it to my mo'time account to make it work again!  I can't find the dang pic! 

No coffee this morning.  That just didn't help... at all.  It's ok.  The day will get better. 

First, screw this fatigue I'm going back to bed.

I should be sleeping.  It's almost midnight.  But we're having some pretty creepy weather, and I'm thinking living in an upstairs apartment isn't the best place to be if a tornado warning hits quickly.  So I'm a bit nervous about the fact we're under a watch right now.  I love storms... thunder that cracks the midnight silence, but I'm not stupid. 

Not to mention I'm in a different sort of mood tonight.  I just emailed my best girlfriend... Amy.  God I miss her so much sometimes.  She was my partner in crime and all things that make you feel alive when I lived in Texas.  She has since moved back to her home, too.  Alaska.  I know... could she get any further away?!

 We're both so busy sometimes it's hard to stay in touch.  And most of the time when people in the military life move, they lose contact willingly.  I mean, that might sound a bit cold, but it's true.  You just get used to leaving people and  having them leave you. 

But not Amy and me.  We've shared so much, and I will always want her in my life.  I'd take on hell with a squirt gun for that girl.  And I know she'd do the same. 

I seem to be gifted at loving people far away from me.  If it's a test, have I mentioned how badly I suck at tests? 

So I'm sitting here thinking about missing the people who mean the most to me, and it isn't making me sad.  It's making me smile teary smiles and ache to hold them to me. 

Nickelback is such a good group... yep... good music.  "Far Away""...

"I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore"