Just a quick update because my friends here have shown me such concern and compassion... absolutely nothing was decided yesterday.  Even though they had court (on a holiday, which I still don't get)... apparently because my brother is going for more than just visitation, the case has to be heard in a different court.  And not until next month sometime. 

Meanwhile one of the lawyers told him that if the aunt has had custody for over two years, that it's just like trying to get custody from the mother and probably won't happen.  HOW can that be true?!  The mother gave him away.  My brother didn't!  He didn't even know about him!  So how can he NOT have a claim to his son?  Obviously we're upset.  He's devastated.  But we're trying to be patient and hopefully we'll at least meet him soon.

I have a migraine.  I'm going to go throw up, take drugs, and hopefully fall into a temporary coma for a few hours.  Then maybe I'll have something interesting to say.

Family crisis that belongs on television: 

I've had a hectic week.  My time to slack has cut down in some areas and grown in others.  I'll let you know soon if it's a good split or not.  I plan to do a whole lot of nothing this weekend.  Sit home and just breathe.  What a nice change. 

But I am going somewhere tonight.  I'm going to visit my brother... hang out with him for a while.  Those of you who know me personally have probably already been told the latest chapter in my wild and crazy world.  And most of you have read my posts on my brother's past, his drug addictions, etc, and the fact that he's been clean for a while now and doing wonderfully.  Well, just let me catch you up a bit. 

A few months ago my brother received a notice in the mail informing him that he was named as a possible father for a ten year old boy and it was requested that he voluntarily come in for DNA testing.  After he thought for a minute, (this would have happened during his worst drug influenced years) he realized that yes, the little boy could very well be his.  He went for the test that week. 

The family didn't show up with the little boy.  My brother is now the most humble human being on earth.  Finding out that he might possibly have a son he didn't know about devastated him.  Worse was, it looked like it was going to take forever to find out.  But the county attorney had a court order issued to the family to bring the child in for testing immediately. 

You see, social services told my brother to "not be upset about the situation until the testing was complete" because he hadn't been the first man tested for this little boy, and he wasn't the last one on the list.  He also found out that the child hasn't been with nor even seen his mother in over two years... that an aunt had been caring for the little boy and the only reason she tried to find the father was because her claim to welfare has ended and she wants support. 

I know, long story. 

ANYWAY, the boy was tested. 

I am an aunt... again. 

We're all heartbroken that there is a ten year old nephew, cousin, grandson, and son that we've never met, but every single one of us, right down to the youngest kid cannot wait to meet him and somehow find a way to show him our love without overwhelming him.  My brother immediately set up to pay a support payment but upon dealing with several other factors, he has unfortunately had to file a petition in front of the courts to see my new nephew.  Apparently the aunt didn't realize finding the father would mean finding someone wanting to be a part of his son's life.  Even the social worker was shocked!  She could not believe my brother was filing to have extended visitations with his son.  According to her, the normal reaction is horrible anger, denial, and then upon confirmation, a horrible court battle just to get support from the father of children in this situation. 

Knowing that breaks our hearts.  My brother is a huge ball of emotion and anxiety.... filled with regret and guilt.  But not once during these months has this caused him to break over to go back to his old lifestyle.  He's standing strong and dealing with it like a man. 

It gets worse.  When he realized he was going to have to go to court, he hired a lawyer.  My brother isn't a rich man.  It took all the extra money he had.  Four days later he tried to call the attorney to get a court date.  The phone had been disconnected.  He went to the office.  There were sticky notes all over the door... people demanding to know where the attorney was... wanting their money back.  One lady was trying to kick in the door.  She was crying.  She told my brother that this attorney had gotten a court date for her but hadn't told her and didn't show up for her.  It was a custody case.  She lost her daughter.  My brother found the appropriate numbers and called to have this man investigated by the state and legal agencies.  In the meantime, the family has hired another attorney. 

Court is Monday.  He's nervous.  He doesn't know what to expect.  All we know is we want to meet this young man and welcome him into our family.  My brother is scared.  I want to help him through this weekend.  I think we'll all go hang out with him tonight.  Play games, eat too much... laugh at all our childhood antics... tease each other like we always do... whatever it takes to get him through the weekend.  One day at a time.

Valentine's Day has never been that big of a deal for me.  Don't get me wrong, I think it's romantic and it really doesn't bother me that it's basically a made-up holiday for retail. 

For whatever the reason, people who are normally overlooked and not appreciated sometimes find that today.  Sometimes someone gets to feel special and loved today.  I know.  If you love someone you should show them everyday.  But taking away this holiday, isn't going to force people to do that.  It's just going to take away the one day that some people actually get it. 

I'm one of the lucky ones although I wasn't always.  I went through a few years of emotional drought with friends, family, my husband.  I've spent so long in the dark that now I find myself sometimes panicking... afraid of the light.  But I was also lucky enough to be able to learn from it.  I learned more about myself, and the people in my life. 

I don't want to be one of those people who stays so busy and so wrapped up in herself that she only remembers to show love and adoration one day a year.  I want the people in my life to know they're loved every day. 

I appreciate every person on Mo'Time.  I've found people who share my goals and interests, people who do not but offer insight and understanding anyway, people who have warmed my heart, and people who have forced me to think and grow as a person.  I've found love. 

That's what Valentine's Day is all about, isn't it?

Happy Valentine's Day  :)

I had a good weekend.  I was away from home a lot, and my sister had a medical scare, but everything turned out fine, and I'm happy.  I finally got my snow!  It was soooo beautifull.  It came down in HUGE storybook flakes all weekend long, almost nonstop.  The temperature stayed just above freezing so we didn't get nearly the amount of accumulation we were supposed to get.  We got maybe three inches.  Had it all stayed on the ground, there probably would have been close to a foot, at least.  I don't care.  This morning is beautiful and crisp and perfect. 

Even though I was surrounded by people all weekend, I did a lot of thinking... made a lot of decisions.  I feel better today.  I have a clear, realistic outlook.  I thought about leaving here.  I love Mo'Time, and I'd miss it so much.  But lately the whole feeling of being blacklisted has made me a bit sour. 

Then I realized that it's no different than being snubbed around the water cooler at work.  But that's when I had a talk with Noble Jim about the whole water cooler thing.  There isn't one where I work.  There's only a coffeepot.  And there isn't one where he works either.  We came to the conclusion that water coolers are a thing of the past and might require a great bit of discussion.  (But we also decided to leave that blog entry for David.  He's better at that sort of thing.) 

Prince William told me a water cooler story once... it had a big breasted girl in it.  But now I'm not sure if he was really standing around the water cooler, or if that was just symbolic.... standing in the breakroom, maybe.  I don't know. 

Either way, what I've decided is that time is precious.  My time is precious.  I love my life, the decisions I've made, I'm happy.  I'm going to be happy.  That's my Valentine to myself.  To love myself, love life, enjoy my happiness, and pray that everyone else finds some, too.

"Before you met me I was a fairy princess. 

I caught frogs and called them "prince" and made myself a queen.

Before you knew me I traveled around the world.

I slept in castles and fell in love because I was taught to dream.  

Before I grew up I saw you on a cloud. 

I could bless myself in your name and pat you on your wings. 

Before I grew up I heard you whisper so loud. 

Life is hard and so is love, child, believe in all these things. 

I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top to capture Tinkerbell. 

They were just fireflies to the untrained eye, but I could always tell. 

I believe in fairytales and dreamers' dreams like bedsheet sails. 

I believe in PeterPan and miracles and anything I can to get by....

...and fireflies." 

Okay... so my day so far?  Nobody asked, but I'll tell anyway.  First, I got a 91 on my stats test.  Not bad... but I'm still angry.  At myself mostly because the truth of the matter is I didn't pick up that book to study a single time.  I didn't even look over my notes  until the morning of the test.  If I had just studied I might have actually gotten the score I want.  Oh well... remember, anything above passing is a positive thing for me at this point. 

I totally talked my way through class number two enough so that I don't think he realized I hadn't read the assignment.  Thank the gods that class is on Appalachia... I know a little about that. (duh) 

I got home totally thinking I'd get stuff done around here before tonight's class.  Not.  So now I've had to get ready for tonight's child pyschology class... (totally unprepared)... and totally drained.  I don't feel well.  My muscles ache.  I'm weak.  My head hurts.  And when this starts to happen is the only time I ever think about throwing on something really comfortable... something requiring tennis shoes.  I have maybe two pairs because I never wear them. 

Guess what.  That darling little shit I call a dog decided to find the only pair I actually wear and pull the sole out of one of them.  So I'm running through the house looking for the sole of my shoe, find it, put my shoes on, try to tie them... she's chewed one of the strings off!  (I don't like her much right now.  She's free to a good home.) 

I'm frustrated and tired, can't medicate myself until I get home, so I'm pulling my hair up, determined not to care what anyone thinks about my casual bum look.  A shot of pain shoots through my back, I dropped the brush on my dresser, it clanged against my favorite candle holder which toppled into the other one... both of them...  broken. 

I'm heartbroken. 

So now I'm off to the class that only last week I made a complete fool of myself for causing the professor to pee on himself in hysterical laughter. 

I'm thinking my evening might just top my day yet. 

I have classes all day today.  I'm pretty nervous.  I should find out the grade of my very first test in over a decade.  You'd think I'd have a fair idea of how I did, but I was so nervous (it was Stats) that I don't remember a thing about the test.  I don't even remember if I left the class feeling confident or suicidal.  I used to be so obsessed with my grades... even in college.  Now, I just want to pass.  And considering this was a math test, I'll celebrate one point above passing.  And I should be further than I am on the book I'm supposed to read for the class after that, too.  We won't even talk about how far I'm behind on the child psychology class reading for tonight.  But I'm praying I'll be able to catch that up a bit this afternoon.  I'm not feeling all that pleased with my progress so far.  But it's entirely my fault.  I just need to learn better discipline and get a better routine in place.  Otherwise I'm never going to be able to juggle all this responsibility. 

I fell asleep last night with my bedroom light on, the computer on, music on... I never do that.  I feel all groggy and out of sorts now.  I hope that hasn't set the mood for the entire day. 

I can't really tell what's going on inside my head, but I'm a bit emotional.  I get that way when I'm tired.  I hate being tired when I've just gotten up.  I have a lot to do this week because I want the weekend free and clear.  I want to do nothing but enjoy it. 

I need coffee.  I think I'll make more sense once I have coffee.

I had originally planned on going out tonight and having a good time.  Even if that meant getting sloshed in order to do it.  But after realizing that it would be pointless because this feeling would surely come back once I'm sober, I made everyone happy and just decided to say in... with Chinese food and chocolate cake.  My back hurts, and I'll probably hurl the Chinese food so there may be drugs in my future, but they're my drugs so it's all good. 

This evening InMyLife posted exactly how I feel without saying how I feel.  Amazing how she does that sometimes.  It's that whole feeling of running at break neck speed while someone holds my shirt collar.  And little thing on top of little thing... feeling angry and tired with all my insecurities and nightmares coming out to play tag.  It makes for a bad week. 

And lately people have been so hurtful and sarcastic.  I'd like to say it makes me appreciate the good people in life, but what it really does is make me want to claw someone's eyes out...  AmericanGirl has the perfect little clip on her blog.  It sums me up... (I'm the bad penguin) 

The thing is, it's my fault.  People see what you want them to see.  Not just here, in the real world, too.  You think that it's easy to hide behind a computer screen and be whatever you want to be, but it's just as easy out there, too... if you've had practice.  I've had thirty-four years of it.  Well, about thirty-two years because over the past couple I've worked really hard to just simply be who I am. 

I'm tired of blaming people for not knowing me when I've never allowed them to know me.  They know one or even two of the personalities I fake.  Or maybe they're not fake.  I'm a combination of people, but when I only allow you to see one or two, I can't blame you for not knowing the rest.  So I'm truly sorry if I've expected you to understand me... at all. 

I know some people see me as some kind of hillbilly lolita, and that's fine. 

Some people see me as the epitomy of what a good sweet little southern belle is supposed to be... that's fine, too. 

Some people choose to believe I'm some sort of tower of strength and pride battling unbelievable odds just to get through the day... whatever floats your boat. 

Some people would believe I'm a thirty-four year old divorced parent, I have to be desperate and clingy... if you say so. 

The truth is... I am everything I show you.

  I'd rather be in bed with him between my legs right now than anywhere on earth.  Simple fact. 

 Not so simple fact is, I know feeling that way isn't right. 

But don't tell me it's wrong or it will never be right or there's no way to be happy or find happiness... no way to make it happen.  Because I know there is, and I'm strong enough to see it through. 

Oh... and am I clingy?  Oh hell yeah I am...  when I need to be I am the most clingy whimpering little weepy-eyed lost person on earth. 

But hurt me, and I'll so kick your ass.