*ATTENTION*

Names and details have been changed to protect the guilty

(and trust me... you're happy about this )

I could tell you about the last 18 hours of my life, but it would rival any drama you're reading or watching tonight.  And I don't want to be in the competition.  So what I'm going to do is just be thankful that it's almost over.  And hopefully I'll be able to go from here.

D always said I should write a book.  I used to think that was just his way of saying, "Girl, you're fucked up."  It probably was, but I'm going to start seeing it as a compliment.  My life worth reading?  Even better if it makes me money.  What would work better is if someone wants to write the book for me.  I'll tell ya everything, you just do the work.  However, it must be made clear, I'm not responsible for any therapy you may need upon getting a glimpse into my pretty blue world.

I know sometimes I sound all lonely and destitute... completely at my end.  But I'm not.  When I'm thinking clearly I know I have friends who are here for me.   People who are willing to save me from the world.  Every once in a while one of them is even willing to save me from myself.

There are just some things that you have to get through all by yourself.  And let me tell ya, I'm not real happy about that.  I try to sound all big and brave, but I'm not.  I'd rather have someone that I can just hand it off to and let them deal with it all.  Maybe someone stronger than I am... someone who can handle it better.

But I will admit I'm hellasciously stubborn.  I may cry and scream and swear through it all, but I don't give up.  Until recently...  Recently I've had to face the facts and give up on a couple things.  And it's hurt like hell.  It's not a feeling I'm used to having.    It's not one I plan to get used to having.  It's just that sometimes, even I have to face reality.  Imagine that.

M called today.  I could have told him everything.  He's such a dear friend.  I could have broken down and told him everything that has happened in the past few hours.  He would have listened and helped me through it.   But it isn't in me to use him.  I know he cares for me beyond our friendship.  I can't feel the same way for him.  He's military.  He's far away.  But most of all, I can't care for him in that way because my heart is somewhere else.  

But in the wee hours of the morning, when it felt like the air was being forced from my lungs, I could have called him.  He would have been there.  Hell... he probably would have been here if I asked him to be... But I'm not made that way.  My heart has been made into a yo-yo before.  I won't do that to anyone else.  I've been nothing more than someone's soft place to fall more than once.  I won't hurt anyone by making them into mine. 

It completely amazes me how love can make you breathe again and choke the living shit out of you all at the same time.  What amazes me even more is, we seem to enjoy it, don't we.  After all, we crave that feeling... we wait for it, pray for it, strive, live, and die for it.

I just want the happy ending... put me through hell along the way, but give me my happy ending.

I've been visiting my MoTime friends this evening.  Catching up on their blogs.  Reading their Thanksgiving posts.  It feels my heart with warmth to see how, even in the adverse year we've had, everyone is still so thankful just to be here and have their loved ones around them.

I haven't been thankful.  I've been so full of pain for a few days now.  I've faked good moods, and smiled, and pretended to be perfect just as usual.  I'm a fake.  I try not to be, but sometimes I'm still nothing more than a fake.

Let's see... things I'm thankful and not so thankful for..

In the past week:

I've realized I suck at my job.  I'm horrible at it, but I'm thankful I have a job.

I suck at being a single parent.  If there is anyone on earth who just simply sucks at being a single parent, it's me.  But I thank the gods every night for the opportunity to suck at it.

I'm getting sick again, and it's not going away this time.  I'm just thankful it's me and not someone I truly love.

My best friend, someone that I thought would love me forever has apparently walked away without looking back.  I'm thankful I had that for a the time I had it.

My ex-husband almost convinced me I'm not worth loving.  I'm thankful it was "almost".

Two teens in my family were in a car accident Wednesday night.  I'm thankful they walked away without a scratch.

My grandmother, my heart and soul, my hero, had to be carried into my parents' house for Thanksgiving dinner this year and probably won't be around for next year.  I'm thankful I had this one with her and that she is the miracle she's always been for me.  In her eyes I've always seen my own redemption.

The love I hold in my heart may never be realized, but I'm thankful I FEEL it.

It sucks that I can't just call up one of my MoTime friends and rant... or meet you for a cup of coffee sometime to chat.  But I'm thankful I know we'd all do it if we could. 

Until tonight, I was feeling all this negativity, and it was weighing me down.  I sat down here to relax, and I couldn't because what I really wanted to do was just break down and cry.  But I'm tired of crying so I've been holding it back.  I set the computer to play some songs randomly, and the very first song that came on was a song I haven't had very long.  A friend gave it to me.

And as the words "You are the light in my dark world.  You are the fire that will always burn.  You are the light... Oh how you shine in my time of darkness.  Oh how you shine when everything seems hopeless..."  I realized something.  We all have people like that in our lives.  We all hope to be that for someone. 

The thing is, we have to be that for ourselves.  So I guess I'm most thankful for knowing that even while I'm falling apart, I'm not really giving up.  I will get right back up, dust myself off, and strut right back into the fire.  That's just me.  That's just who I am.  If the fates work for me, I will spend the next year bitching, laughing, crying, praying, dreaming, living.  And at the end of another year, I will have people, places, and things to be thankful for.  But most of all, I'll be thakful that I am exactly who I am.  As many wrong turns as I've made in the past thirty-three years, I am right where I should be. 

I'll always be thankful for that.

Sometimes I feel like the world is watching me.  Eyes always looking in my direction... waiting patiently to watch me stumble and fall.  Does that mean I have a big ego?  That I think the world has nothing better to do with its time than watch me screw up? 

But sometimes I feel like I'm standing in the middle of the crowded world screaming at the top of my lungs, crying with everything in me, and no one... not even the ones next to me can hear me. 

Sometimes I crave the attention.  I want you to notice me.  I'll do whatever it takes to get you to notice me. 

But sometimes I want to be the wallflower.  I want to be in the background silent, still. 

And that is where I've been for a few days now.  I don't want you to look at me.  I haven't wanted you to see me.  I want to be quiet, fall into the shadows... remain motionless until I just simply fade away.

I think what I'm most afraid of... if I go, when I go... what if I do fade away?  What if there isn't anyone to remember me?  What if there's no one to say, "I knew her.  I loved her."?

I asked.  I wanted to know.  Is it selfish to want someone to love you beyond measure?  Is it selfish to want them to love you when you know you're just going to leave?  The answer was "no".  But it is selfish.

You can only be so much for so many at one time.  I try to be everything for everyone.  Sound brave... valiant?  It's not.  It's makes me a disappointment.  Doing too much for too many equals not being able to do enough for anyone.  It leaves the ones I care about the most... it leaves them wanting... let down.

I am beginning to understand.  I have to release my sanity in order to keep it.  In order to keep it together I have to let everything go... To show how much I care, I have to stop caring so much.

I honestly catch myself holding my breath.  Why do I do that?  Why do I get to where I'm afraid to breath?  How does this happen when you don't even know it's happening? 

I feel like I'm standing in the path of an oncoming train... speeding toward me like a bullet from a gun.  It's going to hit me.  I'm going to die.  And you know why it's going to hit me?  Because I'm not moving out of the way.  I'm on the track... standing right there in the middle watching the train, the light blinding me, the noise unbearable... and I'm standing there... not moving.  Because I'm so numb from so much that I cannot force myself to choose which way to fall.  Right or left... either one would be my salvation. 

But I have no mind left, no thought process, no feeling... I've already started to fade away.  Maybe I'll be gone before the train gets to me.  Either way... if I scream on impact, even the ones next to me won't hear.

Work a full week and then work some more... ugh.  Oh well... 

Today is red day at work.  You're supposed to wear red in support of the troops.  I usually make it a point not to wear red today.  And if you know anything about me at all you know that I'm usually the first one to do little cutesy stupid things like that.  But I don't wear red on Fridays.  Not because I don't support them.  Because my heart hurts to even think about them. 

There's an older lady that works with me.  Her son is over there right now.  And I know it hurts her feelings that I don't do it.  I know she doesn't understand how I could be going through with my divorce even though my husband is only three weeks from starting his second tour over there.  I wish I  had words to make her understand.  You can't possibly know how much pain you feel until you live through it with someone.  And that will never be gone from my mind.  Ten years from now I will still see and feel the pain I saw in his eyes when he came back.  And I do still worry about him.  He left part of himself there after the first time.  I'm not sure if there will be anything left if he makes it back after this time.

He has called alot lately.  Sometimes trying to make me feel guilty.  Sometimes looking for comfort.  I've tried to be understanding and patient.  I don't want to let him go with unkind or bitter words being the last thing he hears from me before he goes back to that...  it's so hard. 

Mary's son came home recently for a two week break.  He came by the office a couple times to have lunch with her, etc.  I could tell that it was hurting her more to have him leave this time than it did the first time.  I could tell her clinging to him was getting on his nerves.  It upset me.  Sometimes with all the hoopla over supporting the troops, everyone else gets left behind.  I told him that he needed to understand his mother better.  He needed to understand that yes... while he's over there shooting and being shot at.... and none of us can imagine how that feels.... he needed to  understand that every single night he fell asleep knowing he'd made it through another day...  that was a night his mother fell asleep not knowing if he'd made it through.

How do you walk the fine line of if all?  How do you know exactly what shows love and comfort to those in the middle of it without showing support of the idiocy of it all? 

It's casual day at work, too.  We can wear jeans if we want... and you KNOW I am.  I don't get to dress comfortably nearly often enough so when they let me, I'm going to wear jeans!  And today is red Friday.  I'm going to wear red.... just this once.  I want to make Mary smile....

...not to mention shocking the hell out of them all....

This isn't going to be my Friday... unless a miracle happens between now and 6:30pm.  We have deadlines we aren't going to meet.  What I don't get is... if we know we aren't going to meet them anyway, why are we killing ourselves?  (just sayin')

My emotions have stayed pretty positive this week, but now I'm exhausted and frustrated, and I can feel them starting to slide to places I don't want to go.  I know, I know.  I'm the person who preaches that it's better to let them have their way with you so you can move on, but there are always exceptions.  When it's something that can't move on... the best you can hope for is to just continue to hold it off.

If you don't hear from me for a couple days, don't worry.  I'll just be on a bit of a business trip.  PhatMike had me believing people in California were intelligent and witty... I blame him for this.  But if I spend one more day on a conference call with the know-it-all bimbo (from out there) who doesn't have the intellect of a raisin, I'm going to have to fly there and kick her ass.  I hate when people talk down to me.  Yes... you're probably going to have to look down AT me, but don't talk down to me.  I see red... and not in a good way.  The thing is... had SHE not screwed up the info coming from HER site, MY group wouldn't be behind... so how she can blame me for this little fiasco is beyond me.  But THAT'S OK... when I fix it, I'm going to just tell her to go back to the beach.  They don't mind stupid women there as long as her boobs are big.  (hers are fake, but they're huge)

ANYWAY... I have a day.  I hope yours goes well.  C'est la vie, ya know... and all that jazz.

I soooo want a nine to five job.  I know, I know... in today's world I should just feel lucky I have a job, blah blah blah.  I want to work at Starbucks!  Those people must get free drinks while they're at work.  I've never heard more excited people in my life... while they're at work, anyway.  I want to be that perky on my job.  Hell... I just wanta be that perky.  My caffeine isn't doing it for me.  Wonder what else they're getting.

My mother has decided there will be no turkey, no fowl of any kind on our Thanksgiving table this year.  Bird flu.  It's doing you no good to roll your eyes, and it will do you no good to post advice in my comments as how to disspell these beliefs of hers... we're talking about the woman who doesn't believe we ever landed on the moon... and Mars is really Arizona.  With my mother, you just gotta let it ride.

Speaking of.... 5am is sooo for the birds.  It's a useless hour.  Course I might be feeling this way because that's the hour I see every single morning when my clock brings me out of a deep sleep.  (deep sleep.. ha  ha)  I guess I could just be taking it personal or something.

I'm rambling.  I hate when I do that.  It means something is on my mind, but I just haven't figured out what it is yet.  It'll hit me at work today, and then I won't get anything done. And if you just said... "... as opposed to any other day?".... I'm gonna have to hurt ya.

I need more coffee.  I can't find the right socks.  It's cold.  I'm hungry.  Oooh yeah... it's gonna be a day.

Are you SURE it's not Friday yet??  Don't lie to me and tell me it's Monday again already.

I didn't get much sleep last night, but I was actually glad when the alarm sounded.  I had really weird dreams all night long, and I was more than happy to come out of'em.  Not nightmares... just not good, either.  I get the most stupid things on my mind, and then try to sleep. 

Let's see... Saturday night, what did I end up getting accomplished on my list...  I took the bath.  Did the Chinese... and the coffee outside...  did the... you know...  and did manage to tone down my hair some!  After several weekend washes, I actually got compliments on it yesterday.  So... I'm not spazing too badly about work today. 

I really am already tired today.  I need a better routine.... a schedule.  I may "think" I thrive in chaos and weirdness, but really, I don't.  What was it he said?  "You're not eccentric, dear.. that denotes an undertone of madness... you're.... you're... you're eclectic.  Yeah, that's it."  (notice how there was a struggle to find the right word as not to offend me)

I think this is going to be a good week.  It has to be.  I woke up this morning... first major score... I found a really cute pink sweater in my closet that I've NEVER worn!  Not sure how that happened... but how cool is that?!  I'm NOT running late, which gave me enough time to put new songs on the ipod... my coffee is really good this morning, my hair is... well, let's just say I'll get noticed!  And... I'm getting a red microwave to match my kitchen!!  It's going to be a good week. 

Did I mention I'm dying to put up Christmas lights?!?! 

~"Eclectic"... whatever~

Saturday night plans:

Now that I can keep food down, I'm thinking Chinese (course... if you've never shot rice through your nose, it's an experience worth missing)

A hot soapy perfumed bath

Maybe a movie

Maybe just starting holiday knits

Definetly coffee outside after dark.  It's beautiful here this evening

The baby isn't here tonight... I could always just spend the night... you know...

Offering someone my undying loyalty if they can tell me how the hell to hook my freaking router back up so I can use my laptop from somewhere comfortable.

Oooh.... and figuring out how on earth I'm going to get my hair tamed back down from fire engine red with blonde/white streaks before Monday morning...

One more time, ladies... say it with me... NEVER EVER make any major changes in your hair during an inebriated depression...

~So I'm a slow learner~

Oooohhhh

I'd forgotten how much I hate hangovers.  And the thing is, I wasn't that drunk! 

Ok... so my plans changed dramatically for the weekend, and I ended up at a comedy club with some people from work.  It was fun.  Yes... I got a bit sloshed.  I really couldn't help myself.  I needed a break.  I took it. 

And I realized why I haven't gone out since I got back here.  Insecurity is such a hinderance, huh.  I was afraid.  Afraid I wouldn't fit in around here again.  Afraid I wouldn't be good enough anymore.  But over the past week I've had my flaws thrown into my face, and I've known what it feels like to not be good enough... sooooo.... now that that's outta the way, I'm good to go!

I wish I could remember the guy's name from the club.  He was pretty funny.  I had more fun after we left there though... Yes, I did get hit on... which made me feel good, but no... I didn't go home with anyone and no one came home with me.

Ok... I take that back.  I did end up with someone... just let me say this now.... NEVER do anything major to your hair when you're emotionally torn and drunk.  Especially if it's 2am, and you're letting another drunk chick do it!  It's ok... it was just hair dye... it'll grow out, right?!?!

I ended up having a great night, and the only current problem I have is the fact that I have to meet my mother and sisters for lunch in less than an hour... hungover.  aaaacccckkkk!!

wah wah wah.... 

The energy that it took for me to feel sorry for myself that twenty minutes last night was exhausting!  Man am I glad that's over!

ANYWAY... I have a three hour meeting, and then my weekend starts.  HOW did I end up with a three hour meeting?  Because I will never learn when to keep my mouth shut.  I have no self control.  I'm supposed to be the new girl.  I'm supposed to still be getting lost in the hallways.  I am NOT supposed to be in training and testing meetings on Friday mornings.  Hell... only thing I did in the new program was to sit down with Yogi, Booboo, and the Ranger and say, "Hey... we need it to do THIS... and say THIS...".  End of story? 

Nooooo..... just because I was delirious from self-pity overload, I wasn't thinking clearly when I burst into the room yesterday to yell at them for ... (get this)... writing an entire program, loading it... putting it from testing to ready... sending it to the offshore sites... WITHOUT noticing how many words were misspelled!!  Good grief!   Of course, I first went through ALL my paperwork to make sure nothing I'd ever given them in the drafts  was misspelled.  I mean... come on... who cares if I misspell something on my blog everyday.  We're talking at work!  There are tons of other little problems with the whole systerm, too.  But that was the most stupid of them all.  Don't worry, in all my bitchy self-loathing, I was sure to point out each of them.  So.... the technical idiot... (moi)... will be spending the morning telling the forest creatures what to do in order to correct everything.  Oh happy day!

Then I'm going to plan my weekend around getting drunk.  Isn't that such a good idea?:)

The sky shines with  a billion twinkling stars above my head tonight.  The air is crisp and clear.  The night is quiet... unbelievably quiet.  No one is around... ghosts are keeping me company.  Or at least I feel haunted.

I'm tired.  But it took forever to force myself to come into the house.  Now it's going to take forever to force myself to go to bed.  But then why am I forcing myself to do anything?  

Sometimes everything seems like such a battle... or maybe a great performance.  Either fighting to keep your sanity... acting as though you haven't already lost it.

I called up a friend today... to cry... to yell and curse...  and until now I never really understood why I call him when I need to cry.  But I know now... he came to see me over Labor Day weekend this year.  I hadn't seen him in probably... 7- 8 years... we long ago adopted each other.  There are actually people who think we're really siblings.  I think it's cool.  My point is...  Bryan is different.  I spaz... I freak out.  I break down even when I know it's going to take forever to find all the pieces to put me back togehter.  I never understood why I call him during breakdowns.  He doesn't stroke my ego, he doesn't tell me it will all get better, he doesn't tell me it wasn't my fault... all this time I thought when my heart breaks, I want someone to make it better.  Apparently not.   Bryan will sit quietly.  Listen... even ask questions.  He'll look at me... watch my every emotion... and then, when I'm all cried out, yelled out... he'll say something like "Feel better now?"  And then he starts immediately talking me back into reality never offering solutions or scenerios... just a hug, (sometimes an eyeroll)... a smile.  And before we hang up, when he tells me he loves me, I believe him.

You won't hear me say that often.  Tonight I'm sitting here pretty damn sure I've never been held by someone who actually, really loves me.  And you know what else?  The sad thing is, this realization doesn't really hurt me as badly as I imagined it should... maybe because secretly, I've always known it.  

But I will be... wait and see...