Ok.  More things about me you might not already know (because I didn't):

I hate windowshopping.  I do NOT windowshop.  That is the biggest waste of time on earth... I just don't get that.  We've already established I'm a here and now kinda girl.  You just never know where I may be tomorrow.  I'd forgotten how much I hate windowshopping... makes me shiver just thinking about it.   (This one I did know)

I am a ... "foofoo girly gadget chick".  Need a definition?  I really couldn't tell you, but I can supply you with a number so you can call and ask.  Best I can figure out, I'm a girly girl who loves gadgets.

Apparently I am an impulse buyer.  I don't really see myself that way, but everyone is entitled to his own stupid opinion.  ;)

I am what is commonly known as a "spaz, tard, or twit".

What I do right after sex is "such a guy thing".  Yes I'm going to keep you wondering what that is, who knows it, and how they know it.

Why am I thinking about all this tonight?  Why does it make me smile to think about how other people see me?  Because...

Do you ever just feel like giving up?  And you proclaim, "That's it.  I give up."  It's silly, really, to say that because we don't get to just give up.  You can sit down and think you're never getting back up, but you will.  You simply cannot give up.  The few exceptions to this rule never proclaim anything.  When they give up, they go quietly into the night and often times are not even missed until they're gone.  It's sad.  I'm not one of those people.  Someone loves me and would notice if I faded away.

When we start feeling like that, sometimes all we have to do is try to see what the people who love us see... the people we've made smile... the ones we've  held tight... the people who believe in us when we don't...

~the people who hold on for us when we lose our grip~

It's 7:30am.  I have my coffe cup in hand greeting the day just like usual.  I've been up since before 5am.. on a Saturday morning.  We won't discuss why because it would ruin the nice Folgers commercial image of a woman standing in her doorway with steamy coffee greeting the sunrise over the tops of the mountains on a clear crisp morning if I told you my toddler threw up in my bed... on me.. in the early morning hours.  Ooops!  There went that tranquil thought, huh.

Oh and yeah... why am I standing in the doorway instead of being out on my porch the way I usually am?  Cause it's 28 freaking degrees (F) out there this morning!  I love Fall and Winter, but geez... I wanted a nice gradual move into the whole thing.  I don't believe I've ever expressed a desire to live in the ARTIC.

I'm surprisingly awake and alert right now.  Give me a couple more hours and the world will come crashing in on me.  But for now, she's back to sleep (in her clean bed), and it's quiet here.  Dang... it's been too long since I haven't heard noise.  It's creepy.

~Think I'll go turn on some music~

I'm not really sure why I'm still sitting here when I know I should be up getting ready for work.  I can't seem to get moving.  I feel disconnected today... already.  It's 5:30am, and if I'm not really careful how I play the next couple of hours, my entire day is already doomed. 

I don't like when I wake up feeling ... I'm not sure how describe it.... outside myself.  I woke up feeling defeated before my feet ever hit the floor.  That isn't a good feeling.  I know I'm not a morning person, but I can usually drag a bit more optimism outta myself than this.

The last couple months have been real rollercoasters for me... with the divorce issues, the new job... I think it's all catching up with me in a crashing sort of way.  The emotional side caught up a bit ago.  I did the whole breakdown thing and while it still comes back occasionally, it doesn't pound me into the ground like before.  You think you have your heart figured out on these matters... the love was gone so why did it kill me... blah blah blah.  We've been over this.  The heart does pretty much what it wants, just roll with it.

I am a physical mess these days as far as energy and strength.  I'm exhausted.  My head hurts all the time.  I don't think there's a muscle on my body that doesn't ache.  I shake.  Everyone has these things.  Even I have these things... just not usually all of them at once every day!  I'm normally a pretty energetic person.  (I can still do cartwheels ;))  I catch myself clenching my teeth for no reason at all...  I do it so hard that it makes my entire face hurt. 

So I've come to the realization that stress is a bitch.  I'm kicking her out.  I always told everybody if my marriage didn't last I was going girl.... except I'd end up with a bitch.

~Guess I shouldn't have joked about that, huh~

This is what I do when I can't sleep.  It's going to look better.  I promise.  There's always a starting point. :)

I'm too tired to breathe tonight... but I'd breathe hard if given the chance... or reason.

It's a very tough week at work.  We've been testing some new programs that are supposd to make our jobs easier.  Guess what... no such luck.  As far as I can tell, they've only made things twice as hard.  Add to it the fact that they just don't work, and you have a mess! 

I never have time anymore... for the things that relax me.  I'm too tired, too stressed, and I think I'm getting too old for some of this stuff.

I'd like to totally redo this blog, even...  but I couldn't make a template no matter how long and hard I tried.  I can see exactly what I want in my head... I just can't find the person to pull it out.... (without paying small fortunes).  And all of my friends who are really good at this sort of thing just never have any time for me anymore.  (*guilt trip*) 

I know it's only frustration speaking.  I'm having entirely too many dirty thoughts lately and not enough time to really enjoy them.  That puts me in a bad mood.  I woke up several times last night thinking things that ... well, kept me awake for far too long and not in a bad way!   (Guess I shouldn't complain about lack of sleep so much)

It's sooo cold here I think it's gonna snow!!  Ok, not really... but it feels like it!  I'm completely happy about that.  I've been praying for snow since I moved back here.... maybe I'll finally see some this year!  We have a frost advisory for tonight.  It's a start!!

I'm gonna go soak in a tub for a bit and get rid of my headache... then I'm gonna come back and plan out my week... to be productive and fun.

~Yeah... right.  I'll be lucky if I'm not asleep and drooling on my pillow in an hour~

If I wasn't so tired I'd be smiling.  Ok... maybe I am smiling, but only a little.

No amount of coffee is going to get me through this day.  The smile is from exhaustion... delirium.  Feels kinda kinky to be this tired and still trying to actually move.

Yesterday was the first time since starting my new job that I brought work home with me... that I was still thinking about it and stressed when I got home.  That isn't gonna happen again!  All the weirdness of this job doesn't really matter because it's still better than the one I left.  So today, I'm going to go in and not stress over the stupid things.  They're stupid!  Not worth my time.

If I wasn't so tired I'd be in a good mood. 

~Wait... I am in a good mood~

PLEASE tell me it's not really time for me to be awake.... I can go back to bed and just crawl back  underneath the covers and sleep!!

(ya liar... I have to get up now)

I try to view Monday as a positive thing.  It's a new beginning... a fresh start.  That's what I say to myself when I'm standing at the counter pouring my coffee every Monday morning.  Then, half an hour later when I still can't find anything that fits right, my hair looks terrible, and I can only find one shoe...  I remember why the rest of the world hates Mondays...  Course, this describes every day for me!

But... I'm happy... now... if I could just get my eyes to stay open!!  I had to get up last night and actually turn my heat ON!!  That means Fall is REALLY finally here!!  That is just sooo cool!  It's Monday, and I already know which skirt I'm wearing... all I have to do is go pick which SWEATER I want to go with it!  Did ya get that??  SWEATER...  :)

Good grief I  need a life...  or, maybe it's good that the tiny things still make me so happy.  If I could only get out of going to work.  Have I mentioned I'm not nearly as career-oriented as I used to be?  I could soooo be a kept woman.  Honest.

I have to go get ready for work now...  my hair... if I can just fight back the desire to shave my head for another day...

~Mondays... ugh~ 

I took a few pics today... of the trees changing colors because I told InMyLife that I'd post some Fall scenes.  But they turned out horribly.  I truly wish I knew how to take nice pictures.  I can't seem to learn how to use a digital camera.  You'd think they were idiotproof, but apparently not... not for this idiot, anyway.  I wish I had time to take a photography class.  Maybe if I learned about subject and lighting and such, I could take good pics.  I'll keep trying.

I would love to show the pic of my little Tinkerbell... (that's what she wanted to be for Halloween), but I can't bring myself to do that here.  I can cry on your shoulders about my divorce, talk about my constant state of arousal, my heartbreaks, my loves... even show pics of me, but I can't seem to get to the personal level of actually going full-life here.  It's such a weird feeling, too.  Not sure why I feel that way.

So far I've done nothing I intended to do this weekend, but it's been a very good one, anyway.  A cleansing, reassuring type of weekend.  I did a bit of crying in the wee hours of the night last night... and it was sort of the lost little girl kind of crying, but it was ok.  Because I know everything is going to be fine.  I'm loved.  I'm cherished.  It's all good.

~Everything is all good...:)~

I was wrong.  It is my Friday!!  Good thing, too... cause I really didn't want to get up early in the morning.

Yes.. I'm a bitch when mother nature calls.  Get over it already.  I might be more outspoken, but I don't say anything I don't mean. 

I'm just me.  I don't care if that impresses anyone.  I don't care if you look twice when you walk by me.  I don't care if you notice me the first time.  I don't care if you see me at all.  That's the good thing about finally knowing who I am.  I only have to meet my own expectations, and trust me, that's so much easier when you're not so busy trying to live up to what everyone else thinks you should be..

I'm not a happy medium person.  I don't live a lukewarm life.  I've noticed something about the people who do think of me more than once.  The person that I am does not normally draw out the "take her or leave her" kind of emotions.  People either love me to death or hate my guts.  Very rarely will you hear someone say, "Oh Angel... she's ok, I guess."  And the wonderful thing about it is.. you can love me, you can hate me... either way, my heart goes on beating... my life moves ahead.

I'll embrace you, or I'll get over you.

Yet another thing I've learned... the gods have made everything... everything you see, hear, smell, taste, touch...think.  Might be manmade... but divine inspiration is in there somewhere.  Everything, that is... but unbreakable hearts.  Oh I cannot count the times I've allowed my poor little heart to be broken...  (couldn't count them EVEN if I took off my shoes)  Yes, that's right.  I said "allowed".  We see the storm coming from a million miles away and we stand in the wind wildly beating our chests proclaiming, "Here I am!  Take me!  Hurt me!"  DUH!  What do we think is gonna happen?!?  (the lightbulb should go on, but it usually doesn't)

And what happens after I've glued it back together...  I'm the kind of person who lets my heart rule me most of the time... makes me stupid, too.  So I end up standing there in the eye of the storm, yet again, before the glue is even dry.  Yeah... you spit in the wind and look what ya get...

But that's OK!!  Because I FEEL... I laugh, I cry, I sing, I whisper, I scream.  I stand tall, I fall apart, I dream, I face reality, I give up, I fight to the finish...  When the wind picks up, I just tie my hair back and enjoy the breeze.

Sometimes life is just taken too seriously... sometimes ya just need to get over yourself.  I don't know if it really ever works, but I've seen people do it in the movies...  shut up, get over it, move on... lick your finger and hold it up in the air...

~see which way the wind is blowing~

I have to get something off my chest, and then I have to go...

It sucks when you get caught with your pants down when there's more than one person between your legs, huh.

Geez...  sometimes I think my life is almost boring compared to some of you.  lol

Oh and... leave your freaking blogs alone!  I'm tired of my links not working everytime one of you people throw a temper tantrum!

Dammit it to hell... leave the high school yard and grow up.

~just sayin'~

This isn't likely to be my Friday because I haven't even come close to putting in a full week at work.  I'm starting the day a little depressed about that, but that's ok.  I'll just go into work and flirt with the coffee guy and tease the network admins.  Having said that, just let me include that I would not even contemplate ever dating any one of the three...  That alone is what allows us to be comfortable around one another.  They tease me just as much.

Coffee guy... Steve... comes into the office just to get our coffee.  I think he probably drinks 20 cups a day.  He never even slows down most of the time.  It's a quick, "Hey", over to the coffee pot, and back out the door.  He'll drink it cold or even 2 days old.  He doesn't care as long as it's coffee.  When he does stop for a chat it's always entertaining because he's extremely intelligent so the banter is always fun.

The network admins.... (they both have weird names that I'm not putting here for fear of being found out)...  we call them Yogi and BooBoo.  You never see one without the other, and if you could watch them for 5 minutes, you'd get the connection.  Thing is...  as far as I can tell, they know absolutely nothing about computers, networks, or anything else.  I'm not real sure why they have jobs.  They sit down at your comp to fix a problem and basically "click" until something fixes it, then they let out a "cool", and out they go.  It's fun to tease them because they're never quite sure you're actually teasing and sometimes you can almost see the fear pass behind their eyes until one of them gets brave enough to laugh.  The other will always follow.

I know... I really shouldn't mess with people's minds the way I do.  It's cruel.  But what else am I supposed to do all day?  Work?!

Last week was a bad week for me.  I was sick.  I lost my temper at work.  Tons of other little things that I don't care to bring up just now. 

I feel better, and I didn't get fired.  The skillet-licking bitch I had to tell off, however, did give her notice.  Hopefully she actually leaves.  She's stupid, and it's more than time someone with the sense god gave a goose have that position.  I'm tired of cleaning up other people's screwups.

I got off a bit early today which is some sort of miracle.  So I suppose this week has been ok so far.  It would be better if I could tell you all goodbye because there's a man in my bed waiting to be between my legs.   Have I mentioned I'm pretty much on the prowl the entire season of Autumn?  Guess you know now, huh.  Heck, right now I'd settle for someone to work out this knot in my left shoulder. 

The moon has been particularly beautiful this month.  I haven't been able to sleep because I've gotten caught up in watching it out my window at night.  Any logical person would just get up and close the curtain.  There are blinds on my windows in this apartment.  You'd never know because I hate mini blinds.  I keep them pulled all the way up all the time.  I didn't put them here.  They were here before me. 

I hate feeling locked up.  I'm not scared of tiny spaces, so don't go trying to name my phobias.  Most of them have no names yet, anyway.

I just don't like feeling ... like I can't get away.

~Now, THERE'S something I bet you can analyze~

After a brief, yet always eventful, hospital stay, I got home this morning and managed to turn what was left of my pitiful weekend into a somewhat relaxing few hours. 

This translates into... I did absolutely nothing.  I didn't even cook.  I didn't eat cold food either.  My mother cooked!  You don't realize what a treat it is to have her cook when it isn't a holiday! 

Then I spent the afternoon arguing  with my Dad over my desire to buy a colt.  He says they're too much trouble that young... I say they're perfect because you get to bond with the horse from day one.  He says it will be too hard for me to care for this winter.  I say I need the challenge.  It's not a work challenge, a living day to day challenge... a challenge that I enjoy.  I've always enjoyed the horses.

It's ok.  I won.  Want to know how I won?  I know him!  I've always been a Daddy's girl.  It was simple really.  I just ended with an, "Ok, Dad.  I understand.  I'll go to the shows this weekend and see what I can find."  There's NO way that man is gonna let me go by myself to pick out a horse...  if he doesn't find one for me to look out before the weekend ever gets here, I'll be MORE than shocked.

Other than that, I've tried to sleep most of the day away, and I must admit, I do feel a bit better.  It has been a gorgeous cool Fall day.  I'm looking forward to a beautiful Fall week!  I'm even making a sweater to wear.  :)  Not guaranteeing I'll actually be able to wear it...  but I'm making it!

It's my Friday... or at least it's supposed to be my Friday.  I'll scream if I go in this morning and she says we're on overtime tomorrow.  I'm exhausted, but more than anything I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I've had absolutely nothing to say all week.  I still don't.  Maybe something fun and exciting will happen today, and I can come home tonight ready to blog about it.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't want any of that stuff that only happens to me going on today.  I can live a day without that.

Tell me it's going to be a great weekend... come on, say it.

I shouldn't have gone out last night.  I mean, I didn't go out and party or anything.  I ended up going to the county Fall Festival thingie.  I can't tell you the name of it because then you could Google it, and wham!  For all I know there could be a bloodsucking vampire reading my blog... can't let him know where I am, now can I.  Maybe if I lived in New York City or something, but where I am, all you'd have to do is stop into the first store after crossing the county line and ask for me.  They'd probably be able to tell ya just how to get to me.

ANYWAY...

The festival was fun... lots of crafts and games and entertainment.  I ran into some old friends, people from school...  ended up watching the main concert with some family and friends.  Not that I paid much attention to the concert... all I could notice was one of the guys in the band was...  umm... well-endowed.  I think the music was good.  I ran into the guy that taught me how to use my tongue in a kiss.  Did absolutely nothing for me... one second of nostalgia, and that's it.

The thing is... it was breezy and cold and raining...  I was soaked most of the night.  And I paid for it once I got home.  I was shivering down to my bones, and I felt horrible.  Not the smartest thing in the world for me to do because I've paid for it all day long.  So I've spent this day doing what I have to do to recover, and now I'm home and warm and cozy and loving this night.  It's cool outside... kind of misting, the air feels as if it's cleansing me with every breath.  I've even broken down and put on the pajama bottoms for once.  (I never wear the pants)  And yes, tonight they're flannel. I've pulled my hair up, put on the thickest socks I own, taken off my makeup, and now I have about 5 different kinds of Chinese dishes just waiting for me. 

I'm a little nervous about the Chinese food, but other than that, I think I'll have a good evening.  You see, I'm an experienced hurler...  no details.... BUT... if you're forced to do it enough you eventually learn the things that are less traumatic when they do their encore appearances.  Chinese food is NOT one of those things.  Oh well.... I had a craving.

I have the remake of "The AmityVille Horror" in my immediate future...  have a good evening.  :)

~"... if ya wanta know if he loves you so.... it's in his kiss..."~

There is something to be said about this mood I'm in.  For some people it can be frustrating, stressful.  It isn't that way with me.  For the most part, this single life thing is for the birds.  If  you've been married a while and you've entertained the idea that you'd be sooooo free if you were just single.... don't be stupid.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying if you're in a bad marriage that you should stay.  I'm just saying if you have the "We're in a rut" blues.... do something to get out of them... just don't even think you won't be in the same rut single... you'll just be in it alone.

The worse thing about going from being with someone to being single is the loss of the companionship.  If you're thinking, "I don't have that, anyway."... Again... don't be stupid.  You probably have it more than you realize... don't believe me?  Leave and see...

I'm not downplaying the lack of sexual contact with a disease free human being.  I'm just saying that you can still find that if you're single... long as you're selective.  I've come to the realization I'm too damn picky.  But that's ok. 

It's ok because on days like today this unforgiving tingle actually puts me in a good mood.  I've noticed that for some people it's irritating to be ... frustrated... and have no REAL release.  And I'm sure it will get there for me, but right now, it ...  how to say it... it puts bounce in my step?

When I'm like this EVERYBODY is beautiful...  everyone smells divine... people seem smarter... witty.... sexy....and I walk around with a smile that no one can translate. 

I can walk by someone and hear a sexy laugh, an inviting voice... and before I realize it, I'm squeezing my thighs together and deep into a long set of kegels... and I always think, "Where did THAT come from?" Then I remember... it came from me.

I've always been told I have amazing sex appeal.  But I never take that seriously because it's always from a man looking for a way to see if the zipper is working on my pants... ha!  But even if I don't normally believe it, I believe EVERYONE does when they get in this mood.  It can't be helped... but then, why would you want to fix it?  

Oh well... it's time for work.  People are in for it today, I'm afraid.  :)  It's Friday.  I'm going out tonight.  I'm going to have fun... and I'm going to come home happy... AND ALONE...  I'm entirely too dangerous to bring someone home with me in this mood.

~I'd kill the poor man~ 

I was all prepared to write a bitter, yet entertaining post this morning.  I was going to share my guaranteed tips on how to grow old alone.  BUT...  I'm not going to do that now.

Then I was going to write about how I'm lucky to have the things I do have in my life.... too damn mushy for me today.

Then I remembered a good friend that I hadn't thought about in a while but remembered after hearing a song this morning.  We've lost touch over the years... just as well, because he was older, lived on another continent, and we probably would have eventually done something stupid.  Then I wouldn't have fond memories of him, I'd only have bitter ones.  Besides, at the time, I was doing rule #1 of the bitter blog I was going to write...  (#1 to grow old alone... Love someone who has no intentions to love you back)

He looked just like David Duchovny.... seriously.  We actually had people walk up to us and ask!  ANYWAY...  he was in on vacation when I met him... and later he flew back over a few times to see friends, and he always made sure to make time for me.  Once he rented a convertible while he was here, and he called me up to make plans to hang out.  We decided we were going to go whitewater rafting down in TN/NC.  From where we were, we had to drive a couple hours to get to the site.  All I can remember about the drive is when that song came on the radio and he blasted it and sang as loud as he could... and all I could do was laugh.  Not at him...  because I was truly enjoying myself. (He was an Aussie... with the sexiest accent... we won't talk about the differences in our accents)

I didn't know the stupid song...  it's a 60s song, so he teased me FOREVER over being entirely too young.  He used to say he'd sweep me off my feet if he wasn't afraid my Daddy would shoot him for robbing the craddle.  (I was 26, he was 37...SO NOT that big of a deal)

Course... the hilarious part of the trip was when the woman in the raft with us couldn't concentrate for looking at him so she fell out... OR it might have been at the end of the course when he thought I wasn't wet enough so he pulled me out. 

Do memories like this make us feel good... or do they just make us feel worse when we realize how pathetically drab our lives  have become?  (I'll let you know if I survive after I jump off my roof)

I've decided... I need a man's touch.  I need someone, something.  Screw love... I don't have time for love.  However... I do have time for 3am sex with someone I like alot... right?!?!

Right now... I have a day...  catch you all later.  Thank The Hollies for saving you from my bitterness.

~"Bus stop, wet day, she's there, I say, "Please share my umbrella... Bus stop, bus goes, she stays, love grows under my umbrella...."

oOoOO Man!!  I've blogged for years and NEVER been tagged!  I was ok with that!!  NOW IML has to go and break my perfect record!

UGH.....  here goes:

"You've been tagged!  Write 20 random things about you and tag as many people as the number of minutes you took in doing this."

1.  I love the moon

2.  I'm a complete 80s child

3.  My favorite colors are green and red

4.  I'm a gadget chick... love'em.

5.  I hate reality shows with a passion.

6.  I survive life by listening to music.

7.  I sleep on my stomach with one leg uncovered.

8.  I have a serious romantic obsession with lighthouses.

9.  Have the same obsession with dragonflies.

10.  I love snow

11  Thunder storms turn me on.

12.  I've never had a celebrity crush.

13.  My fav song of all time is STILL Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart."

14.  I was 12 when that song came out.

15.  Anything SciFi makes my day

16.  I cry easily, over anything, but NEVER let anyone hear or see... (if I can help it)

17.  I throw up alot but have an extremely strong stomach when it comes to bad sights or smells.

18.  I love horses.

19.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.

20.  I have such a fear of snakes I'll have a nightmare about them if I see one on tv.

There ya go.  I don't know 7 people I can tag that won't hate me for doing it!!!  

Ugh.. (sorry,  people)  I tag Jackal, David, Jim (Noble), Pigboy (if he ever gets back), Moonchick, Caesura, and Jim (JacktheQuipper...although he probably won't bite... except when he bites me for tagging him)!  Get to work, people!!  If I have to do it, so do you!!! 

I went shopping tonight.  I bought crochet stuff, I went to B&B Works and got some really crisp Mango and Mandarin body products (they're divine), I bought a really cute fabric bag, I got some Burt's Bees lip gloss (If you haven't tried Burt's products, you should), some Tea Tree shampoo... I got a very cute emerald ring (not pictured yet), and a nice deep red sweater... (not here, either).

I just think it made me feel better... that, and I'm bored.  So you get the long drawn out details.  :)