I've been humming Frank Sinatra all day, and at first I wasn't sure why.  It surely didn't fit my attitude.  And then, at work, I braced myself to have my breath taken away by heat before I opened the door to go outside... just like it does every day.  It didn't it wasn't hot... it was almost nice.... breezy.... beautiful.

Then I realized what's been wrong with me.  It's this way every year, and every year I forget that it's this way.  The humming is just my subconscious trying to say, "Hey girl... sloooowwww down.  Don't do anything stupid.  Be patient just a bit longer... you're about to come alive."

You see, my favorite time of year is autumn.  Then winter... I love winter. 

I love Summer... bright colors, tops down, hair up, shorter skirts... I love Spring... renewed life... rainstorms.... glorious flowers. 

Winter... how can you not love winter?  Sleepy Sundays because there's no way you're crawling outta that bed away from those warm blankets and even warmer bodies.  Snow angels... the smell of a house when you first walk in if there's a woman inside baking.  Hot showers... hotter baths.  Christmas... the lights, families... snowball fights.  After Christmas sales!  New Year's Eve parties!  Did I mention the baking and warm bodies?

But Fall... Fall is MY Spring.  I come alive... I wake up giddy and ready for the world every single morning... the land around me becomes Mother Nature's canvas... deep browns, reds, oranges, greens, yellows...  The world lets out a collective sigh with the first breeze relieving them of Summer's heat.  Crisp mornings that make you ready to face the world when you walk out your door.  People start to settle down... no running around.  We SEE each other... and not just in passing.  Friends linger... suddenly you have time to smile and chat for a bit when you pass someone on the street.  Football!  On the tv and in the front yard with the kids in the family.  Halloween!!! Thanksgiving!  Oversized sweaters that make you feel better the second you slide them on.  Frost!  I love frost.  Pumpkins!  Mums!  Bonfires... clear nights with a billion stars.  Fluffy socks.  The full moon so bright and so big that you dare not raise  your hand because it would spoil the illusion of being able to reach out and touch it. (I could go on forever.)

I can be patient... I can wait... it'll be here soon.  It's gonna be a good season... I can tell.

~"..... Heaven is in your eyes... bright as the stars we're under..."~

I'm in a mood tonight.  Not quite sure what kind yet, but it's a doozy.

I'm going to go eat leftover Chinese food and watch bloodcurdling scary movies.  First up is "BoogeyMan".  Haven't seen it yet, but I'm getting ready to settle in with it.  I've heard it's really scary.

For me, the scarier, the better.  I especially love the older ones.... "The Exorcist", "Night of the Living Dead", "Evil Dead", the original "Amityville Horror"...  Course one of my favs is "Killer Klowns from Outer Space"... "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"... You're getting my point, right?  I think it has something to do with needing to be as far from reality as possible in my tv entertainment.  Don't get me started on how badly I hate reality shows.  I can go for hours on how dumb they are. 

I have chocolate cake, too.  Maybe I'll grab that for when the Chinese hunger sets in later.  I know you all know what Chinese hunger is, right?

It's not the normal way to spend a Saturday night, maybe.. but short of mindblowing, kneebuckling, room spinning, heart pounding, did the earth just move sex....  it's a good second.

~Wine, bubblebath, and a good book are in the running, too... of course~ 

My South

Pouring peanuts into glass bottle Cokes

Moonpies and RC Cola

Blackberry dumplings

Fried chicken

Game of Horseshoes

Porch Swings

Hayrides

Summer rainstorms

Fall Festivals

Homecomings and Reunions

College basketball

Being barefoot in the front yard

Christmas Eve with 100 closest relatives

My South

Never being able to date without first checking family tree

Neighbors who shoot holes in their livingroom floors

The nosey post office lady

Christmas Eve with 100 closest rednecks

Permanent bad humidity stricken hair days

Men with Skoal rings on their jean pockets

Bugs

Small town idiocy like the fact my sister-in-law, because she works for a doctor (not my doctor), can walk into the local hospital and obtain all my medical records without my consent because my mother is worried I'm not feeling well.  HIPPA be damned in the South, I guess.  I think she'll have to die for this... just not sure yet. 

Shopping didn't even help me get over it last night.  I'm trying to stop thinking of ways to torture her.  It doesn't help that I hated her guts before this.  Now I'm surely going to hell for  how I feel about her.  Moving to Alaska is sounding better every freaking day.  And I wasn't even hiding anything from them!!!  I still violated, though... stupid bitch.

~I could learn to stay warm in Alaska~

I felt loved today....

~... imagine that...~

I have this unbelievable ache inside me.  Not the sorrowful, poor me kind.  It's not a pitiful, I've been abused for too long kind. 

It's an imploding, soul shattering desperation, and when it finally happens, I'm going to be sucked into the blast, turned inside out, and will disappear into nothingness.  Won't that be a trip.

It isn't a bad feeling.  Nothing is wrong.  Things are good with the new job... too many hours, but still less stress.  Things are good in my personal life... being that I don't have one right now so there's no drama.  And yes, I made the choice, in the beginning, not to have a personal life for a while.  I needed time.

It's almost like...  OK, remember cartoons when we were little where one character would be holding another by his shirt collar and the guy's feet would be running like crazy... he just wouldn't actually be going anywhere?

That's how I feel... 

And I know everyone knows  how sometimes at just the right moment, just the right emotion, someone or something can make your heart flutter and in that instant your eyes are smiling little unknowns from the thrill of it all?

I feel that way all the time...

Do you understand the anticipation you would feel if your best friend in the whole world called  you up at work tomorrow and told you that they have the surprise of your life waiting for you?

I feel that every second...

Have you ever known the kind of longing you'd feel if you wanted with everything to kiss someone goodbye but you let them leave without doing it?

I feel it even when I'm sleeping...

So what is it?  What am I anticipating?  What's taking my breath away without even existing?  What am I longing for this badly?  What's turning me inside out?

~You think maybe I'm just forgetting to breath again?  There's gonna be brain damage~

I was so caught up in getting ready for work tomorrow I hadn't noticed what's going on outside tonight.

It was almost 100F here today... before the heat index.  But now the wind is whipping through the trees... blowing in a storm.   Lightning is dressing up the distant sky, and thunder is rumbling over the hilltops. 

The frogs and crickets are so loud Gabriel's trumpet would have a hard time being heard.

Nights like this are amazing.  I love storms.  I'm not sure where I got that... my mother hates them.  She panicks, totally freaks out if the wind even moves the trees during a storm.

Might have something to do with a few tornados in our past.  I remember watching one tear through our pasture once, pick up a tree, roots and all, and keep right on going.  I think that was my first sexual tingling sensation, too.  What can I say... it's a rush, a thrill, a turn on... (I know... I need help)

I'm going to enjoy a storm now... will make me feel... and feel better. 

~ I make no apologies for who I am... even the stormy parts~

The weekend is almost over, and I'm still here.  I've made no decisions that I can't take back or that I regret.  At this point I'm not sure if that's a good thing or if it's a bad thing.  My mind says it's a good thing.  My heart says it sucks.

I pass by a house that's for sale every day.  It's a little house... nothing special or particularly eyecatching about it.  Just a little tan brick home stuck in a little community on the side of the road.  I thought about stopping to look at it... calling to tour it.  But why?

Am I really going to buy a home for a life I'll never have?  Having that would just make me notice what I don't have even more.  I can't trade sexual favors to get yard work out of him on Saturday mornings.  I'm never going to sit on the deck and argue about the phone bill being too high.  He's never going to stand behind me and kiss my neck while I make dinner.  I'm never going to yell at him when I can't find the remote because it has fallen down into the murky depths of his chair.  He's never going to lecture me because I never put gas in the car, and I'm never going to wake up before the alarm goes off... all wrapped up in his arms.

Mornings like this is what makes me want to pick up and move... to Alaska, maybe.  Thank the gods I learned at an early age that geographical cures are no cure at all.

Yes I'm whining and feeling sorry for myself.  Read it, deal with it, or move right along...  Either way it's off my chest now, so maybe I can find something positive about my day.

~Who knows... maybe a new hair color~

It's upon me again.  That itch... twitch... ache... craving... whatever you want to call it.  I've felt it coming on for weeks now.  The sudden change in jobs was a perfect indication.  If you know me, maybe  you saw this coming.

I can't help myself.  If I knew who or what to blame, trust me, I'd be blaming.  But the thing is, I'm me, and I create and destroy my own universe at will... no one else.

Let me explain... I don't know what it is, but I get this feeling... this coming out of my skin, the room is spinning, the walls are closing in, the air is being sucked out of my lungs... the world is going black feeling.  It starts slowly.  It builds over time until it consumes me. 

Most of you are probably thinking, "Yeah, and?"  Because I think most of us have those feelings from time to time.  Me... I'm an extreme person.  I've always been an extreme person.  I don't just cry, I sob.  I don't merely laugh, I lose my breath.  I don't just hold on, I cling.  I don't  just walk away, I run.

Most women, feeling this way, change their hair color, spend too much at the mall... redo their livingrooms.  When this hits me, well, let's just say, I do things I can't take back.  I take month long roadtrips for no reason.  (I change jobs in an instant)  I moved to Montana once.... on about a two-week notice.  I moved from there on even less.  (Allow me to remind you I'm from the south... HUGE MOVE)  Another time when I had this feeling...  I GOT MARRIED.

Getting my point yet?

So the room is spinning, the walls are closing in on me, and it's getting harder to breath.

I'm sure there's a name for it... even a good drug for it.   Call me mental, but it's just something about myself that I don't want to surpress.  I could if I tried, but I don't want to do it.  It's frightening and exciting.  It reminds me I'm alive.  I suddenly remember I'm not numb, I do feel.  I think. I live.  One minute I'm not breathing, I'm waiting to exhale... waiting for something.  And then, before I know it the possibilities are endless... and I'm breathing again.

~Breathing is important, you know~

Wow!  I'm here.... I think.  Ok.... let's see...

I got the job.  I finished what I needed to finish at the old one and started the new one.  It's working my ass off, but I can take physical exhaustion any day over the mental kind.  So far it's not bad, and I think I made the right decision.  I'll let you know.

This is, of course, not including the daily lectures from the little old women I work with now.  Today's lecture... how concentrated cherry juice will help your arthritis.  You really don't want to know.

Ooh then, let's see...  I've been gone because of the terrible hours at work AND I've had no DSL!  We're still unsure exactly how long the problem was my server and how long the problem involved soda, a kid, and my modem.  Doesn't matter... I have a new one.  I talked sweetly and Adam from Alltel sent one right out to me!  He was nice... and totally convinced that the ethernet port that seldomly goes bad... went bad.  Ladies, it's OK to sometimes pretend helplessness, really.  He was even nice enough to give me his number and extension to help me set it up if I couldn't do it once it got here. 

I have to admit I've just been too tired to miss my late night/early morning blog sessions.  I can't seem to get enough sleep these days.  Might be due to the fact I get none at all!!!  Not restful, anyway.  MIGHT be due to the fact that I'm getting NONE at all, too.  Who knows...

Sooooo anyway... I'm too tired to be entertaining.  I'm enjoying catching up on reading the blogs I've missed!  Maybe I'll have something to talk about tomorrow. 

I must be the most boring person on earth.  I realize I wouldn't need to post results of stupid blog tests if I had a life.  If I had anything interesting going on in my life at all, I would be able to blog original thoughts instead of something that is generated randomly with no real solution or meaning.

Is it really written in stone that when you divorce you basically sign over all rights and privileges to a life worth enjoying?  I get up, go to work, come home, and go to bed.  Should I want to do anything else?  I see people all around me every day doing the same thing, and they seem happy.  That, or they can fake happiness like you can't imagine.

It's not that I'm UNhappy.  I'm just bored.  I feel stale.  Sometimes I feel like someone should be checking to make sure I still have a pulse.

The nights are endless and the days go on forever.  I remember a time when neither lasted long enough.  It wasn't so long ago.

It's Monday... I'm going to try to see it in a positive light.  It's the start of a new week full of possibilities.  I guess I just need to look for them a bit  harder than I used to, and I'm ok with that.

I have an interview with another company during lunch today.  If this chick even remotely makes the job sound interesting, I'm sooo taking it.  I know it's up to me to make my life interesting again, and I have to start somewhere!

~Happy Monday for real this time~ 

I've been up too long already this morning so I've been surfing blogs, and I found a test.  I've taken more of these stupid little things this morning than I've taken in all my online years.  It's Monday... the thought of getting dressed for works scares me.  Oh well....

Your Kissing Purity Score: 17% Pure

For you, it's all kiss and no talk. You're in a permanent lip lock.

Is this saying I'm easy??? 

Part Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

Do ya care if I'm easy if I'm really this good?!?

~Happy Monday~